I got back from Brazil two weeks ago and have had a lot happen since. My husband of six years chose to stay behind in Brazil at least for another two months so I was now on my own with nothing but a van for a home. I realized everything I have been through is so deeply personal that I will wait until the dust settles a bit to write about it in more detail. But for now I am settling in a small community in North Eastern Washington where I will be working in the community gardens over the summer while writing about my journey.
I have been listening to the guidance within me and it is taking me exactly where I need to be. And although following the call of spirit can take us through peaks and valleys the more we trust in the perfection and surrender to “what is” the closer to our divine selves we can become. And the closer we are to our divine selves the more our purpose in life unfolds.
I am feeling great physically. I am about eighty percent recovered from the damage done by the Lyme Disease and have some good people around me to help me with the other twenty percent. I am beginning to truly understand why the Lyme affected me in the way that it did. There were some underlying core issue I wasn’t ready to look at. It took completely disrupting my life, moving out of my house with my husband, giving our animals away, putting our belongings in storage and moving to Brazil for three months to get to the core of my illness. I had to be willing to part with everything that was familiar and comfortable in my life, including my husband. I had to face my greatest demons alone, homeless and without a plan. But ironically life is unfolding for me quite miraculously. I could have never expected things to unfold as they have since I’ve returned.
On the summer Solstice I met the sovereign Goddess and she was me. She was a woman who had, through the trials of life given birth to herself a new. She did not find herself in her relationships with men but found herself in her relationship to the divine. I discovered the eve of the Solstice how the virgin birth is the birthing of oneself into a pure, untouched reality. I realized it was my divine purpose to live, not for others but for myself. Not in a way that is narcissistic and self indulgent. But rather a way that is true to the being that I am. I also realized that I must have been a pretty big challenge for the men I have drawn into my life. Because through it all I have stayed strong in my mission to know thyself. My mission was so strong that it blew up any relationship that dared get in the way. I was not one to be domesticated, so to speak, but rather “set free.” And since I turned fifty in May, while in Brazil, I was no longer living in the energy of pro-creation. I was no longer driven to make babies. I could now use that energy to birth the divine self.
In a narcissistic relationship the divine self is the enemy. Because she harbors the light, the life, the need and desire to be sovereign. Therefore she (or he) cannot be conquered. Although we may feel swallowed or starved in a relationship with someone who sets out to conquer the spirit, the ultimate truth is: The spirit cannot be conquered. Even this concept of “soul rape” I talk about is not a destruction of the soul, but rather a suppression. When we clear away the obstacles to that suppression the soul in its divine intent comes back to the surface.
And perhaps this is where I find myself now. Filled with the spirit of my own life, true to the self, the soul and the divine path that is unfolding right before me. And…I know that I am not alone on this path. Many, many, many of you, men and women are being called to step fully into your divine expression of life. And the call can come in the form of feeling as if you are being kicked out of your life. But if you find yourself in the center of disruption and it feels the life you have been living is falling apart. Let is fall! Allow it to be what it is. Because it is not your authentic life that is crumbling. It is the inauthentic life that must fall away in order to make room for your true self to emerge. The more you are willing to embrace “what is” and stop resisting and trying to get things to be the way they were, or the way you think they should be, the more you will be ushered into your authentic purpose and expression of your divine self.
Set sail to the wind, allow your spirit to follow the current and become your own true love. This is the key to our greatest happiness.