Are You a Perfectionist?

Listen to Kaleah’s Episode “Perfectly Imperfect.”

perfecionistPerfectionism is the curse of dysfunctional society. As humans we are far from this thing we call perfection. We may bake the perfect cake, write the perfect letter, make perfect grades in school, achieve perfection in some kind of performance, but as human beings we are flawed and imperfect. We are by design creatures who learn by making mistakes.

In this episode of Pandora’s Box, Kaleah talks about how to confront your own need to be seen as perfect and accept yourself as you are.

Listen Now!

Are You a Perfectionist?

Listen to Kaleah’s Episode “Perfectly Imperfect.”

perfecionistPerfectionism is the curse of dysfunctional society. As humans we are far from this thing we call perfection. We may bake the perfect cake, write the perfect letter, make perfect grades in school, achieve perfection in some kind of performance, but as human beings we are flawed and imperfect. We are by design creatures who learn by making mistakes.

In this episode of Pandora’s Box, Kaleah talks about how to confront your own need to be seen as perfect and accept yourself as you are.

Listen Now!

The Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing

wolf-in-sheeps-clothingA narcissist is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He or she can appear to be the nicest person in the world and do things for you that would seem to say “I really care about you” but then you begin to feel that your energy is being drained, you feel confused, you doubt yourself and feel very frustrated. More time is spend in this confusion trying to sort things out in your mind until you realize just how much energy you are giving this person.

On the outside the narcissist can look like an angel but truly there is a demon within. He/she is the kind of demon that steals your light and leaves you in the dark wondering what just happened.

Don’t let the kindness fool you! It isn’t true kindness and it doesn’t come from a caring heart. Narcissists can pretend kindness in order to hook you in and feed off your life force, much like a parasite. As long as your energy is focused on the narcissist you are feeding him/her with your light. This can happen even if you don’t spend time with this person or see this person on a physical level. We can remain hooked through our thoughts and our dreams. You must become a warrior to fight for your own soul. Because if you don’t fight for yourself the narcissist will succeed in stealing your light!

You must remember at all times that the narcissist does not care about you! He/she can’t! He/she can only care about himself/herself and his/her own needs. Your needs are your problem! And He/she does look at your needs as a problem. They get in the way of his/her needs being fulfilled.

What we need to fully understand is that the narcissist has a big void within. It is a big dark pit of emptiness that is cloaked behind a disguise of happy go lucky, good guy/girl, Mr/Ms success or whatever his/her image may be. Beneath that image is still a big dark void that needs to be filled from an outside source. The frightening thing about the void of a narcissist is that it is a bottomless pit. Once He/she has you hooked in as a source, your life energy, the energy YOU NEED to live your own life, goes towards filling his/her bottomless pit. It is all done on an energetic level.

Narcissists will easily have many sources because their need for attention, admiration, adoration, etc. is so huge. We often make the big mistake of believing the narcissist cares about us and would never lie to us or hurt us intentionally. What we don’t often understand is that the narcissist is only concerned with filling that void and will do whatever it takes. Your needs, once again, are your problem not his/hers and this is exactly how the narcissist views it. Your need for honesty, emotional connection, love, caring, fidelity etc…Is your problem! He/she is under no obligation to take care of your needs; but will pretend if he/she believes it will keep you hooked in as a source.

As women or men in need of love we can be really naive around the narcissist. We may fool ourselves into believing we are special to that person. A counselor once told me that a narcissist is like a flat tire looking for someone to pump him/her up and I was nothing more than a tire pump to the narcissistic man in my life. This blew my belief that I was truly special in his life.

If we are gullible enough we can earn the status of being special because the narcissist may not have many people in his/her life who fall for his/her BS the way we do. Some people actually don’t let themselves get hooked by the narcissist. Some people, once they’ve experienced the true narcissist, will detach and take back their energy, something we all need to be doing. But a few “special” ones will stay “hooked in” allowing themselves to be a constant source of energy for the narcissist to feed off of. Some will literally sacrifice themselves for the narcissist! The phrase “I would die for you” is literal. Because one who stays hooked into a narcissist does begin to die. The desire for the illusion of love to be real is so strong that one will stay forever hooked into the illusion until He/she completely loses herself/himself, commits suicide or creates a life threatening illness.

The biggest mistake I ever made was believing “he would never do that to me!” He didn’t appear to be a monster on the outside. I really believed he cared about me. He had his issues, yes, but deep down I really believed he cared. But I was wrong! He really didn’t care about me! He cared about himself! I was a casualty of his narcissism! I had to really accept and understand this in order to cut the ties and move on.

Of course cutting the ties is another story! It isn’t easy! We have been groomed to feed the narcissist our energy. We have carefully and methodically been broken down and rebuilt to be a source for the narcissist, just as a cult member is broken down and rebuilt to be a loyal follower of his/her leader. Once we understand what has happened and that the narcissist does not have our best interest at heart, we have to go through the painful process of breaking the spell that we have been living under. It is very painful because we have to admit to ourselves that the relationship was a lie. We must awaken to the truth and break free of the Web of Illusion we have been living under. It is a process and it takes time. But your life depends upon it!

Never fool yourself into believing that some other woman or man is ideally suited to be with the narcissist in your life. His/her motivation is not love nor is it happiness. It is power and control! It is admiration and attention! It is praise and adulation. A narcissist will no more care about the needs of a new source than he did yours, but during the grooming phase he convinces her that he loves her and cares about her. The truth is he is emotionally shallow and doesn’t operate from true emotional depth or connection. The narcissist doesn’t feel the pain of his/her actions because he/she simply doesn’t run that deep. The narcissist doesn’t have the emotional capacity to feel true love or joy. He/she may never really feel the pain of his/her actions towards others but also will never feel love or true caring. He/she is a shallow puddle feeding from our well of emotional depth and it can feel as if we are being siphoned empty.

In order to refill our energy reserves we must cut the cord that feeds the narcissist! It is crucial to our survival! We must look past the sheep and see the wolf that is blowing our house down. We must build our house on rock and not sand or twigs. When he huffs and puffs and realizes he cannot blow our house down he will run out of energy and go elsewhere. At first it may feel very empty to have the narcissist gone because we have fed so long upon the adrenaline of the wolf outside our door. But eventually we will heal and find it safe to go outside again.

To learn more about how to recover your soul from a narcissist please check out the resources below:

Healing Narcissistic Abuse and Finding the True Self

Narcissism; The Web of Illusion

Cutting The Psychic Cords

Spiritual Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse