Category Archives: Narcissism and Abuse

Giving Thanks for What is Good

When we have “bad things” going on in our lives, the last thing that occurs to us is to look for the good.  Typically, the pain, the loss, the trauma or whatever else is going on becomes the center of our focus.

For many, the Holidays are tough times.  You may find yourself alone, separated from family, estranged from a loved one, and feeling there is nothing to celebrate.  Although I am not encouraging celebration, I am encouraging looking for what is still standing in your life, and focus your attention there.

After a hurricane or a fire, one must assess the damages and decide if their home or any of the possessions can be saved or if they need to start over, from the ground up.

Many of us find ourselves in “start over” mode and must let go of what has been destroyed in the fire, or wiped out by the hurricane.  The most difficult part is the letting go.  We must learn to “let go” of the life we were living prior to the “disaster.”  That life is no longer available to us.  This is natures way of telling us, it is time to rebuild. Continue reading Giving Thanks for What is Good

Everybody Has a Dark Side

Listen on Pandora’s Box Radio

I often hear people say “he really has a dark side.”  A better way of saying this might be “he has a really dark side.”  Because the truth is….we all have a dark side.

We live in a world of duality and this means we have good/bad, light/dark, hot/cold, big/little, happy/sad.

Most of us would love to live in a world of good, light, warm, grand and happy, but right now, where we are in our human evolution, we must still navigate through life’s great challenges and an array of dark emotions.

Emotions, in and of themselves, are not dark.  They are not negative!  It is that there are emotions we don’t like to feel, because they don’t feel good.  We like to feel good!  We want to be happy all the time.  But this is not the reality we live in. Continue reading Everybody Has a Dark Side

How Our Stories Keep Us Stuck

One of the most common questions victims of narcissistic abuse ask me is “how do I stop thinking about it?”  There are a lot of reasons we get stuck in ruminating about the narcissist and what he or she has done.  Often the behavior you have witnessed is atrocious, even unforgivable as you might see it.  So we are not talking about the behavior here.  We are talking about YOU. What can you do to stop this ruminating cycle of obsession and hyper-focus on the abuser and the abuse?

We don’t often think about how our stories keep us stuck, but this is exactly what happens.  Everybody has a story.  The story might go like this.  “He was having an affair with another woman for the past three years we were together and every time I felt suspicious and ask him questions he told me I was crazy and got really upset with me.  I ended up feeling I was the problem and believed I was just needy and insecure.” Continue reading How Our Stories Keep Us Stuck

Forgiving the Unforgivable

We’ve all heard that to forgive is divine, but what about those situations that feel nearly impossible to forgive?  What about those people who have treated you in such a way that it feels unforgivable?

Many of my clients talk to me about forgiveness and the first thing I say is “don’t worry about forgiving right now, allow yourself the feelings that you have. Let yourself feel your rage, your anger, your sense of injustice and all those feelings that are flooding to the surface as a result of someone else’s actions or behavior.”

Getting to a state of forgiveness too early can be detrimental to your emotional health, because you are using forgiveness as a tool to suppress the underlying emotions that need to be felt and expressed in a healthy way.  If you don’t deal with your emotional pain, it will go underground and will cause a lot of problems from the subconscious state. Continue reading Forgiving the Unforgivable