Tag Archives: abuse

Everybody Has a Dark Side

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I often hear people say “he really has a dark side.”  A better way of saying this might be “he has a really dark side.”  Because the truth is….we all have a dark side.

We live in a world of duality and this means we have good/bad, light/dark, hot/cold, big/little, happy/sad.

Most of us would love to live in a world of good, light, warm, grand and happy, but right now, where we are in our human evolution, we must still navigate through life’s great challenges and an array of dark emotions.

Emotions, in and of themselves, are not dark.  They are not negative!  It is that there are emotions we don’t like to feel, because they don’t feel good.  We like to feel good!  We want to be happy all the time.  But this is not the reality we live in. Continue reading Everybody Has a Dark Side

How Our Stories Keep Us Stuck

One of the most common questions victims of narcissistic abuse ask me is “how do I stop thinking about it?”  There are a lot of reasons we get stuck in ruminating about the narcissist and what he or she has done.  Often the behavior you have witnessed is atrocious, even unforgivable as you might see it.  So we are not talking about the behavior here.  We are talking about YOU. What can you do to stop this ruminating cycle of obsession and hyper-focus on the abuser and the abuse?

We don’t often think about how our stories keep us stuck, but this is exactly what happens.  Everybody has a story.  The story might go like this.  “He was having an affair with another woman for the past three years we were together and every time I felt suspicious and ask him questions he told me I was crazy and got really upset with me.  I ended up feeling I was the problem and believed I was just needy and insecure.” Continue reading How Our Stories Keep Us Stuck

The Core of All Wounds

Dr. Judy Rosenberg, psychologist, tells us that human disconnect is at the root of our wounds.

As human beings, we need to have connection with others and the more disconnected we feel, the more difficult it can be to have healthy relationships with others.

The original cause of human disconnect happens in infancy when there is a lack of connection with the Mother and Father. This lack of bonding or connection with Mother can happen for a number of reasons including premature births, resulting in having to be in an incubator, postpartum depression or any other kind of depression, rigid rules having to do with allowing the baby to “cry out” rather than comfort and soothe the baby, personality disorders, mental illness, physical illness, addiction and even death or divorce of a parent. We also have extreme circumstances such as childhood abuse and incest.

Rosenberg says that breast feeding, eye contact and skin to skin contact is very important for the infant to build a strong sense of self. When a mother or father looks lovingly into the eyes of the baby, the baby is provided healthy mirroring and gets the sense he/she is loved and valued.  If a parent is “distracted” or preoccupied, this kind of connection may be limited, or not happening at all.

Once we are adults, we can’t go back and change the circumstances of our childhood but we can heal by understanding and learning how to connect with ourselves.

Understanding that the original relationship of baby to Mother and Father is the cause of the disconnect wound, does not mean we “blame the parent.”  Developing this understanding helps the “adult child” to realize the disconnect wound was not his/her fault but healing it in adulthood is his/her responsibility.

The disconnect wound, like the sins of the Father, are passed down from generation to generation and until someone in the family tree breaks the chain by healing their own disconnection wounds, the problem will continue to be passed down.

There is a huge difference between fault and responsibility. Blaming anyone for how we feel will not help us to heal. But truly accessing our “feeling” states will help us reconnect to ourselves, to God/ Spirit and to each other in a more authentic way. Continue reading The Core of All Wounds

Anchoring Love in a Time of Fear

14610936_1277621358970672_4565553264326758542_nThe energy on the planet, especially in the U.S. is very intense right now. That intensity has found its way into my life, even as I have done my best to stay positive and anchored in love. What has been the most difficult thing for me is feeling so judged by people when I express my views, which are positive, hopeful and anchored in the vibration of love. I ask those who lash out to take responsibility for their own emotions, and they lash out more.

Finally, I resolve to disconnect from those who are expressing such hostility. But often they chose to disconnect from me first because of their disappointment in me.

I am healing some pretty deep wounds; as are we all, and one of the most difficult things to experience is feeling judged and having people disappointed in me. It triggers my core shame. I don’t like the way I feel. I want people to like me! I want to be accepted. I want to be approved of. But this is being challenged right now. Continue reading Anchoring Love in a Time of Fear