Is It About Me?

When you are in a relationship with a partner who is narcissistic you might be asking the question “is this about me?” I have so many clients ask me if they might be the narcissist. Because when all is said and done you are the one who really seems to be suffering. So if you are the one feeling so much intense pain and your departing partner seems to have already moved on without a care in the world, it is an easy assumption that “it is me.”

I have written extensively on the topic of narcissism because, in my own experience, it was an important piece for me to understand the crazy making behavior. Crazy making behavior can drive YOU crazy and you feel crazy. But when you come to understand narcissism you also come to understand that pathological narcissistic behavior is absolutely crazy making. It doesn’t make sense and you are left scratching your head at best and diving deep into the dark side at worst.

When you really love a person and realize that person could move on without skipping a beat it demonstrates the shallowness of that love, at least on his/her part. That is a very painful reality to face. Especially if you are a deep feeling, emotionally connected, empathic or sensitive individual who gave your heart and soul to that relationship. You wouldn’t have given your heart had you believed only one of you was dancing. You were led to believe that your partner was also participating fully in the dance. And when you realize how easy he/she could switch dance partners it is a slap in the face.

One thing you have to realize is the narcissistic, crazy making behavior is not about you. It is about the narcissistic individual in your life. You are in no way responsible for that behavior. You didn’t cause it. It was happening long before you ever entered the picture and it will continue long after you have re-created your life in a much better way.

You can breathe a sigh of relief that his/her narcissistic behavior isn’t about you, however you still have to grieve the loss of that relationship and the pain of the betrayal. And in most cases you have to grieve not only for yourself but for the person who has stuffed his feelings so deep that he doesn’t have access to them. You have to understand that the narcissistic person did the best he or she could. He/she has been programmed since early childhood to avoid what is perceived as dark or negative emotions and also any kind of true soul searching or inner reflection. The relationship is doomed from the beginning because these processes are necessary for a healthy, whole relationship. You can rest assured that he or she won’t be leaving you for the “perfect love” because perfect love doesn’t exist for any of us. We are the love we give and receive and if we don’t have access to that love within ourselves we will not be able to create it on the outside. Plain and simple!

If you find yourself attracting one emotionally unavailable partner after another then you need to examine what it is within you that is magnetizing this into your life. What are the programs you are running? If you have a program, which is a deep seated subconscious belief, that “I am unworthy” you will attract people into your life that mirror that for you. If you have a program that says “I am unlovable” you will attract that mirror. If you have a program that says “nobody has ever really loved me” you will prove that to be true by attracting mirror after mirror of those who cannot really love you.

We can change the results in our lives by changing our programs. But how do we identify what programs are running? Sometimes you can simply look at the feelings that have been provoked as a result of your most recent relationship and write them down. What are you feeling? If you are feeling unloved, unworthy and incapable then these are likely your programs and your most recent relationship is bringing you the opportunity to examine these programs, to clear them and to change your attraction energies.

The mistake most of us make is getting involved with a new person to reflect to us our worth and value instead of taking sufficient time to go deep within and find the value within ourselves. It can be tempting to get involved with someone else who makes us feel “good” when we have been feeling bad about ourselves. But when you give someone the power to make you feel “good,” you also give that person the power to make you feel “bad.”

I’ve had people tell me they were feeling really good about themselves before getting involved with the narcissistic person in their life and now all that confidence has been destroyed. I would be willing to bet that confidence was based on something outside of yourself rather than a really strong sense of self derived from your relationship with the divine. We attract people into our lives that mirror our unconscious wounds. If you have not been shadow diving lately there is no time like the present. It is easy to hide from our shadow, especially if we aren’t in a relationship. There is nothing like a good dysfunctional relationship to bring all of our hidden issues to the surface.

If you are just coming out of a relationship and are hurting, this is actually a great time to really look at your wounds. Rather than trying to find a quick fix to feel better, try instead to sit with your pain and see what it has to teach you. Get out your journal and write what you are feeling and experiencing. Get in touch with the wounded inner child and see what he or she has to tell you. How is that little child feeling? Rejected? Abandoned? Confused? Lonely? Hungry for attention? Wanting Validation? Desperately needing to feel loved?
None of these feelings are wrong, shameful or bad. They are genuine feelings that originated in your childhood. Give your inner child the safety and space to express her feelings without judgment. Feelings are not weak! But the narcissist in your life will have enforced the idea that feelings are weak, because he is afraid of his own feelings and probably tried to shut you down as well. If you suppressed your emotional nature during the course of the relationship you may have a lot on your plate once you come out of it. Because everything that has been buried alive will be surfacing.

Sometimes it can feel overwhelming to have all these intense feelings coming to the surface at once. But nature is somewhat kind by giving you only as much as you can handle. It may feel like too much, but you must trust that you are never given more than you can handle. You may need to learn some new techniques in how to handle intense emotional energy, but you can handle what is on your plate.

The reason you might feel that the period of time you are in intense emotional pain is prolonged is because you are being given the opportunity to process through one layer at a time. Once one layer is processed through the next comes up. There can be many layers to grief and suppressed emotion. Especially if you have been stuffing for most of your life!

I had a dream that I was outdoors peeling away the husk of a corn stalk one husk at a time and weeping uncontrollably. It was a powerful vision of how we process our grief. One husk at a time. But in the end there is a sweet, sunny yellow treat revealed in all of its glory. It is here we see the sun again and can find a new kind of joy in our lives. We will attract our future mate from this place of authentic joy, rather than the need for external validation of our beauty, our worth and our value.

If you need help understanding the programs that are attracting painful relationships into your life, you may want to contact me for a session

Riding the Immense & Escalating Energy Waves! Part 1 – Loving Yourself in the Chaos

by Scott & Shannon Peck

Are you experiencing new, immense, & expanding energy waves that cause you to feel like your world is crumbling, chaotic, or out of control. We sure do. What’s up?

To us, it feels like the rapidly-escalating transformations predicted by those who have studied the Mayan calendar are becoming in-your-face obvious as we literally race into the 2012 energies.

And there’s no hiding. Whatever needs to be purged is coming up – whether we want it to or not! Notice how deceit and dishonesty are being illuminated everywhere.

Our jobs – even our careers – are being challenged & upended. Life can feel like a test of survival. Relationships, meanwhile, are restructuring, disappearing, and being tested in entirely new and unsettling ways. These continuing and expanding energy waves cause us to feel overwhelm and almost panic.

And it’s happening just as much to those deeply engaged on a spiritual path. It feels like an almost overwhelming intensity of Light shining in every nook of our lives.

So, are these new energy surges good or bad?

We think they are good – although “good” often comes in the form of a life shakeup. To us, these energy surges represent the expansion of Light that is lifting – forcing – each of us to a new dimension of living. Authenticity is forcing its way into every corner of our lives. We have no choice but to grow!

The new energies are not going to die down. They are going to intensify. We need new tools – and we need them fast. And the most powerful new tool is love. Yes, love is a “new” tool because we have been so uneducated in love. We need love tools to cope with ourselves, our relationships, our careers, our families, our friends, our environment, our government, our politics, and yes, our wars.

This article is part #1 because, first, love needs to begin with each individual. With us. With you. Never has it been so critical to know how to love yourself.

The energy waves almost knock our kindness, patience, & sweetness out the window. Yet as we “see” in our hearts that the new reality forming is taking us higher, not lower, we can practice balancing our mind and heart. We can forgive ourselves as we learn how to cope with a new life experience. We can open to new ways of thinking and being. We can soften our feelings & words. We can surrender to the power of Light that is seeking to bless us, not destroy us.

We can accept that we are being called into our Highest Authentic Self. As we love ourselves this way, we find ourselves increasingly riding the new energy waves rather than them crashing on us. This is the new love adventure for each of us. You don’t buy a ticket. You’ve been enrolled. Resistance is futile. Surrender, awareness, & spiritual alignment is your new home. Welcome to the heart of love!

“Would you like to learn more simple ways to find and nourish your soulmate? Check out, for free articles, resources! The Love and Relationship Experts, Scott & Shannon Peck.

The Covert Narcissist

The Covert Narcissist – by Sparkster

The Covert / Stealth Narcissist

NOTE: Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is strongly characterized by complete self-centeredness and outright denial that forms an invisible and indestructible protective psychological barrier in order to defend the sufferer’s true emotions.

What Is A Covert Narcissist?

Undoubtedly the most damaging form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is covert narcissism. Covert narcissists can seem highly defensive and extremely hostile whilst masking beneath their facade an insecure sense of emotional vulnerability, a vulnerability they will do anything to prevent exposing. Although a covert narcissist generally possesses the same traits as an overt narcissist (need for attention, approval, adulation and grandiose fantasies) these are not commonly expressed in overt behavior making covert or stealth narcissists much more difficult to recognize. Some people go decades before recognizing the narcissist in their life.

How Is Covert Narcissism Different?

In addition to the standard symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the covert narcissist is also susceptible to stress and worry. They tend to operate inefficiently and their expectations remain unfulfilled. They repress awareness of their narcissistic traits due to inner conflict, deep down inside they find their fantasies embarrassing and unacceptable. Deep down inside they realize that their fantasies are self-centered and solicit goodness and power to one’s self, to put one’s self up on a pedestal above all others.

What Are The Symptoms Of Covert Narcissism?

Covert narcissists are too afraid to exhibit their accomplishments to others and commonly underestimate their own capabilities. Their overt behavior usually projects an innocent angel-like ‘good as gold’ persona which builds them a credible reputation yet they fail to reach their true potential due to their own self-doubt. Some of them go on to become almost seemingly zombified and gradually lose all interests in their hobbies and decide to do nothing with their lives.

Why Is Covert Narcissism So Bad?

The most damaging aspect of covert narcissism is the controlling and manipulative behaviour they impose on people closest to them. If in a relationship this is usually solely their partner. They show a lack of empathy towards them and in many cases also towards their children if they have any. A female covert narcissist may have children with their partner in order to tie them down and to secure them as sources of narcissistic supply, they may even manipulate the children out of him by failing to use or purposely damaging contraception or even committing paternity fraud. A male covert narcissist may try to tie their partner down in the same way by purposely not using or damaging contraception and exploiting the emotional bond between mother and child.

What Makes Covert Narcissism So Damaging?

In a typical case the only person who realizes there is a problem is the person closest to the covert/stealth narcissist, who is forced to suffer covert narcissistic abuse (very subtle emotional blackmail, mental abuse and psychological manipulation). Narcissists twist literally every little detail back round onto the victim. This abuse is so well hidden within communication dynamics that the partner often doesn’t pick up on it and is left scratching their head wondering ‘is it me?’ When the victim of this abuse eventually begins to develop awareness of the manipulation it gradually dawns on them that they have already been ostracized long before they anticipated and the people that they turn to for help have already been made to believe it’s them who has issues – they’ve already been turned against the victim. The covert narcissist makes their partner feel like they are the one with the problem whilst projecting an innocent angel-like persona to everyone around them. They will make their partner look bad and completely destroy their reputation in order to protect their false sense of self. The narcissist has already attained the trust and belief of everyone around them and anyone close to their partner that they are likely to turn to for help. The partner feels like they are suffering alone, no-one around them can see what the covert narcissist is really up to.

Covert narcissists use cleverly hidden emotional blackmail, mental abuse and manipulative linguistic patterns to force their partner to question their own sanity, behaviors which people that know them would never ever dream of them even being capable of. They have everybody around them fooled by their pathological self whilst wearing down at the psyche and soul of their partner who, over time, becomes depressed, loses self-esteem and feels like their soul is being worn down until they eventually seemingly become devoid of emotion themselves – this then further backs up the narcissists claims that their partner is the one with the problem.

When arguing with a covert narcissist, a partner will usually be left at a dead-end. Their logic appears to be incompatible with that of the narcissist and they always get outwitted. The narcissist will go on to state how they took the partner into their life and ‘saved’ them when they needed it and make the partner feel that they are forever indebted to them. They make them believe that anything bad was all in their imagination and that they are paranoid.

Covert narcissists are the sort of people who have multiple partners, secret affairs (sometimes within the family) or even a complete secret life with someone else. They recruit friends and family who are fooled by the innocent persona they project to defend their false self by convincing them that their discovered secrets are just a result of paranoia or suspicion yet they will use special occasions such as valentines day or even funerals to get away with their infidelity, times when the victim least expects it.

Whenever the partner questions the abuse, lies or secrets that have been discovered then literally everything little details gets twisted back round on to them, they are then the one being accused of the abuse, lies and cheating. It’s a plain and simple defense mechanism which offers no logic or information on the subject and has to be kept secret in order to uphold the covert narcissists pathological self. Narcissists come up with one-line defense mechanisms rather than offering any logical explanation for their behaviour (it’s all in your head, that didn’t happen, I don’t know what you’re talking about, I never said that). Statements like these are an instant sign of fear and guilt and make it clear that they’re not willing to even talk about it, they are not willing to take the risk of slipping up. However, in private the narcissist’s attitude towards their partner will be ‘either let me get away with it or get out of my life’. They make it clear that everything is about them whilst their partner’s feelings, needs, wants and desires are completely disregarded and they will totally discard their partner in the process with no empathy whatsoever, seemingly being cold-hearted and sadistic. Anyone who knows about the covert narcissist’s secret life is sure to be blackmailed or manipulated into keeping quiet, sometimes through proxy. Even when a narcissist does slip up, they claim that they have a communication problem and didn’t mean to say it, they will deny their secrets until the day they die even if they’ve already been discovered.

It’s important at this point to understand that the covert narcissist is also a sufferer. Although on some level they must be conscious of their abuse, mind-games and manipulation or they wouldn’t hide it from everyone, it has become their way of getting through life and is deep-routed in their subconscious. However, they still know the difference between right and wrong and good and evil but deep down inside they just don’t care – protecting their true (and self-denied) emotions is more important. The covert narcissist will make it clear to the person closest to them that they understand they have a problem, that they simply don’t care and are not willing to do anything about it even if that means losing the people closest to them in their life. Narcissists have no empathy.

How Do I Recognize Narcissistic Abuse?

Covert narcissists can be extremely flirtatious in party settings, though they often use occasional shock tactics whilst any further promiscuity is kept under cover – they pretend that they were too drunk and not in control and blame it on the drink. They make further arrangements in private and keep their affairs secret in order to uphold their false self-image.

A covert narcissist tries to tie their primary source of narcissistic supply (their partner) down early on in the relationship. They suck up all the finances within the relationship, cut off their partner’s contact with family and friends and damage or lose their partner’s official forms of identification claiming it was an accident leaving them without money or proof of who they are. They manipulate them into a situation whereby they don’t have the resources to leave the relationship or have any control.

Narcissistic ideology shines through the relationship solely to the narcissist’s partner, they are usually the only person that recognizes the problem though are left with no escape route – when seeking help, family and friends accuse them of twisting around everything that the covert narcissist has already told them back on to them in the process of ostracizing their partner – it’s a double-blind.

Covert narcissists attempt to make their partner believe that they have mental health issues and that they are insane, they will misbehave and tell their partner it was all in their head, they imagined it, it wasn’t real. Tell them that you are not willing to be manipulated and they will tell you there’s no relationship then. Of course, This is what everyone around them already believes, the narcissist has already built their army of support forcing the partner to question their own sanity.

What Problems Does Narcissistic Abuse Cause victims?

Ultimately victims of long-term covert narcissistic abuse can experience mild post-traumatic stress disorder – they experience nightmares and flashbacks subconsciously piecing the parts of the puzzle together. This is the brain’s way of healing itself and it can be decades before this realization happens. When this happens the partner usually begins to figure out just what has been happening all these years though they still have to suffer the consequences of the abuse alone – their friends and family still believe it’s them that’s the problem.

When the narcissistic person can see that their victim is tired and worn down and in a weak vulnerable state it offers a chance for more emotional and mental abuse and the narcissist will inevitably kick the victim while they’re down. Narcissistic abuse feels cruel, cold-hearted and twisted for the victim. The most significant aspect of this disorder is that people in these type of relationships are twice as likely to suffer with stress-related medical problems such as depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, heart attacks and strokes.

article written by Sparkster