It was a month after my fiftieth birthday, two years ago, that my life fell apart. Well it had been falling apart for some time; I just wasn’t paying attention. My life was dismantling one piece at a time and after pulling out enough sticks the whole damn broke and the emotional waters came flooding through. My dark night of the soul was my own souls journey to understand myself on a much deeper level and to learn the art of “letting go” of what was no longer serving me.
My journey through darkness has resulted in my new book “Rebirth; Traversing the Dark Night of the Soul.” It will be out in May; my rebirthday month.
This month I will also take possession of my new home; a gift from my Mother. The home is a foreclosure and the transaction has been in process since October. I have learned not only great patience through this process but also how to really let go and surrender to divine will. If this home is for my highest good it will close; if not, there is something better for me out there. In the meantime I have learned to love the home and feed it my energy. I found myself hopping on my bike and riding the dirt road through the trees, along the irrigation canal, above the lush green fields with cattle and horses roaming, on the path from my little cottage in the trees to my new home near the river. The journey on my bicycle reminded me of the journey from the old to the new. Usually half way to my new house I would be hit by this realization; “I get to live in this beautiful place. This is my new neighborhood. My back yard is a nature preserve on the river. I am so blessed.” I found myself experience greater and greater amounts of joy. It was such a sweet change from the deep sorrow I had to walk through to get here. It now felt as if life was really providing for me. New things were moving in to replace what had been taken out.
It was on a recent phone call to my Mother that I realized the synchronicity of everything now unfolding in my life. I had been waiting over six months for this house. I had so many stops and starts with my book and had hoped to have it out by the Spring Equinox; which felt to me like a time of rebirth. I put my radio show “Pandora’s Box” on hold to complete my book and hoped to relaunch on that same Spring Equinox date. Yet everything is lining up to come to completion at the same time. My birthday in May. What a powerful time for a rebirth. What a powerful synchronicity.
Some people ask me if I am out of pain now. It has been a very long two year journey through darkness and now I am truly beginning to dance in the light. But the darkness and the light dance together. The joy and the sorrow are one. Sometimes my heart bursts with joy and sometimes it aches with sorrow. I still feel sadness when I think of the abrupt ending to my marriage and the dissolution of my former life; just as one may feel sad in thinking of the death of a loved one. But that sadness no longer permeates my life as it once did.
I have learned to be grateful for my sorrow because it means I am alive and I feel. It is the same kind of sorrow I feel when I realize my baby son is all grown up and doesn’t need his Mother anymore. I miss that child. His childhood went way too fast. I had to let him go too. He left my life the same time my husband, my home and my animals left my life. It was such a huge dismantling. At the time it felt like a cruel twist of events to have everything I held dear ripped from my life. It was as if life was saying to me “see how you do with this one.”
Sometimes it feels that the greatest success has been traversing that darkness and coming out the other side. I made it! I made it through the metamorphosis and now I am blooming into life; a butterfly.
Stay Tuned! “Rebirth; Traversing the Dark Night of the Soul” will be out shortly!