As I sit in the hot tub in the atrium I was aware of a shadow outside the atrium window. I looked out my window to see a little deer grazing only feet away. She was attracted to the same corner I was and both of us content in our worlds. I knew now that I was finally starting to let go! To settle down! To drop fully into this place of healing the body, mind and soul.
I didn’t want to tell anyone that I had Lyme disease. Because to speak it is to own it! But I realized that I needed to own it before I could let it go. I had to name it! I had to name it in order to fully understand what I was dealing with. I had to get an image.
I realize that I have been struggling with some form of this dis-ease for three years.
On a metaphysical level I had internalized the parasites of the outside world. I had taken those little bugs inside of me. I had absorbed the virus, the bacteria into my blood, my skin, my cells. I found myself angry at the injustice of the world, those controlling members of society who have no concern for humanity! I was angry at the government, Big Corporation, Monopolies, Monsanto, the Dark Lords and the major interests who want to compromise our health and well being for profit! Narcissism ruled the world and I was angry about that!
But I can’t fight injustice with anger! It is literally eating me alive!
I have to let go of this burden and instead of fighting injustice, I need to embrace love. If my attention is on the injustice that is the reality I will live. But if my attention is on embracing more love and more light, than I can create a life of joy instead of bitterness.
The book I have been writing on narcissistic abuse was nearly complete when I became ill. Call it coincidence, but I always look deeper into every so called coincidence. My resistance to releasing the book was huge. I think it is because I feared ingraining myself more deeply as an authority in this field. I feel like there is a piece missing that I have not yet found and until I find that missing piece I need to take a break from the book.
As I started treatment for Lyme disease I had a dream about my ex-boyfriend whom I believed was narcissistic. My dream showed me that he was still a ghost in my house, or psyche. That is the most difficult issue most people have once letting go of the narcissist in their life. He or she remains inside like a parasite or virus continuing to rear its head at times of weakness. They are often dormant, ironically like the Lyme bugs can be. The Lyme bugs are often not detected in tests at all, because they go into hiding. They still cause dis-ease in the body but it is difficult to know what is really going on. The Lyme is also very difficult to eradicate. It can take years. It can take years because they are immune to the treatments while in hiding (embedded in the cells) and if the treatments aren’t continued they can come out of hiding when the cells die and then proliferate.
I’m doing a very aggressive alternative therapy that promises to eradicate the Lyme in just a couple weeks. It is not antibiotics or anything I ingest at all. I am being treated with huge magnets that draw out the bugs and destroy them in the areas of the body they have invaded. And so hopefully I will be well on my way to a complete recovery very soon. However there has been damage that will have to be addressed even after the Lyme bugs are gone? Sound familiar? For me my arms have been greatly affected and I lost most of my range of motion in both arms. And so I will be in physical therapy anywhere from three months to a year or so to regain the full use of my arms. Again it is a parallel to recovering from narcissistic abuse as we must often be in therapy for a time to regain what has been lost during the invasion period.
I believe the Lyme has come into my life for a very important reason. And when I looked for the correlation between my Lyme’s and the work I do with narcissism and abuse it was pretty easy to see the relationship. Both are parasitic entities that have the power to take over if not stopped.
Ironically on a larger scale our earth is fighting the same battle as the parasites of the world take and take from her without concern for her her well-being. The air, the water, and the soils are being polluted with all the toxic wastes dumped upon her by ignorant, careless people who have no concern for life. Those who continue to rape, pillage and pollute the earth are only concerned with what is easiest and what makes the greatest profit. They have no sense of the future as the Native American ancestors who considered the affect of their actions on seven generations before acting. In our sick, out of balance society most don’t consider this generation let alone seven.
My personal mission is to know what to do with all this information without going into fight mode. I can’t continue to fight against the evils of our world because it causes disharmony within myself. When I look back at my perpetrators of the past I am no longer angry at them for hurting me. I can now see them with compassion because I can see they are simply very wounded and their behavior comes from their wounding. It doesn’t mean that I excuse the behavior or that I allow it to continue. But I can forgive them, because they are lost and very misguided. To forgive them softens my heart and allows more room for love within me.
I don’t hate the lyme bugs that have taken over my body and even taken the use of my arms. Because I know it isn’t personal. They don’t have a personal agenda against me. They are simply doing what they do. But it doesn’t mean that I will allow them to continue to hurt me. No way! They must go! They are not allowed to take over my body! I will do everything within my power to eradicate them. Because they don’t belong here!
I suppose it was very much the same with the narcissists in my life. I simply had to get them out of my house, my body, my mind, and my soul. They didn’t belong there.
As I turn my attention inward for my own healing I find that there is still a little closet cleaning I have to do. There is still a little residual energy that has to be cleared away so that I can truly be in that space of love in my life regardless of what seems to be going on in the outside world.