A Ghost in my House

I had a dream that you were in my house. It was a big house, very spacious with many rooms and you were always hiding away in a different room. I ached to be near you and yet you punished me with your cold silence. You ignored me as if I didn’t exist. You were like a ghost in my house and it was a cold desolate punishment.

Finally I said to you “If you are going to act as if I don’t exist then leave my house!” You packed only an overnight bag, leaving as if only for a day. But I said “NO! Pack all of your things and leave!” You did not really want to leave. You wanted to stay and haunt me for all eternity. You needed to punish me all the days of my life. You needed to punish me by pretending that I was nothing to you. Hoping perhaps that if I was nothing to you, I would be nothing to myself. That I was useless, no good, that I had no value, and was not worth the time of day.

In your cold silence I felt invisible. But I needed to be seen! I needed to be heard! I needed to be known!

As much as I screamed for you to leave my house, you could not hear me! You believed you belonged there to torment me for all eternity. But it was my house! It was my Psyche! You were no longer welcome here! You could not stay! Your cold punishment was uninvited.

“Leave!” I said! “I have a new love now! You cannot be here! You had your chance! Your ghost must move on now! You punish me! But I am not to blame for your pain. It is yours! You must own it! You must take it with you. There is nothing to be gained by projecting your pain onto me. I will not carry it for you! It is not mine! Leave! And take your baggage with you!”

And then I awoke, sad but free! You were gone.

Healing From Lyme’s Disease

I mentioned to you all that I was taking some time off due to a health challenge but didn’t say what it was for a very good reason. I didn’t really know. A lot of you have written expressing your concern and sending me lots of good healing energy. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. It is good to know I have you all on my team.

I have always prided myself on being healthy. I eat a very pristine healthy diet. I don’t eat processed foods, sugar, or even flour products. Up until the time I started getting sick I was eating a one hundred percent raw food vegetarian diet.

Sometime midsummer I started having aches and pains effecting mostly my arms. I thought perhaps it was a passing issue so I just took it easy and cut out my yoga for a few days because it seemed to be aggravating my condition. Instead of getting better I seemed to get worse. From that time on the pain worsened every week to a point where I could no longer lift anything bigger than a coffee mug without major effort.

In the fall I was still bringing in wood and doing my normal work. But come late fall the pain began to be unbearable. I was unable to sleep regardless of all the touted supplements for sleep including melatonin, 5HTP, Valerian, Hops and other homeopathic remedies. I started on a systemic enzyme believing perhaps I had fibromyalgia and Dr. Wong had this great protocol for fibromyalgia.

By the time I said I was taking a break I was in the worst pain I had ever been in, other than childbirth. Sometimes when I had a shooting pain and muscle spasms that seized up both of my arms at the same time it was comparable to the intense labor pangs of childbirth. By this time I wasn’t sleeping any more than a couple hours a night, if that. And I just couldn’t be present as a counselor any longer.

I had not been to a medical doctor in over ten years which is why I wasn’t running to one now. I was afraid of having this test and that and put on the usual drugs that treated symptoms but not the actual issue. Plus I didn’ t have medical insurance. I went to a Naturopath and was put on hormones. Finally I had a consultation with Dr. Vickery who specializes in Fibromyalgia and other issues that are commonly mistreated. Through applied kinesiology he diagnosed me with Lyme’s Disease and a host of other issues including heavy metal toxicity that had settled in my shoulders. Evidently Lyme’s pain migrates to the area of the greatest toxicity. This explained the chronic pain in my shoulders and arms.

Around the first of the year I started a protocol involving many supplements. For people who just get Lyme’s disease which is normally from getting bitten by a tick, they do a antibiotic treatment, but if you miss the tick bite or get Lyme’s another way it can become chronic Lyme’s before you even know you have it. I don’t ever remember being bitten by a tick, plus I live in the Pacific Northwest where the ticks are not known to carry Lyme’s.

However, just as I delved into the study of narcissism when I realized I was in love with a narcissist, I now was delving into the study of Lyme’s and some of the other issues I was having in attempt to understand what was happening to me. Both conditions resulted in my losing my health and vitality. And in both situations I just wanted my life back.
I discovered that Lyme’s was quickly becoming an epidemic and was being spread through other means besides just ticks. Some were saying that one can contract Lyme’s through mosquitoes, fleas, and other types of ticks. Some believe it can even be contracted through the saliva and also transmitted sexually. Others believe it is part of a government germ warfare experiment which began in Lyme Connecticut where a number of cases were discovered in 1975.

At this point where Lyme’s came from wasn’t as important as how to heal it. That is where my energy is currently going. I seemed to be improving on the protocol but a few days ago the water ran out of the tea kettle on our woodstove and filled the room with this obnoxious smoke before I knew what was happening and it really set me back. That made me realize that a pristine environment is important to my healing.

My husband John and I decided to put everything we own into storage the end of February and go to Abadiania, Brazil for three months to see John of God, a world renowned healer. I went to Abadiania over five years ago to heal from the emotional fallout of my last narcissistic relationship and also married my husband there. It seems like as good a place as any to heal from dis-ease.

After contacting the man we rented a house from in 2005 we found that our same little house was available for us to rent again, only now it had high speed Internet so I can stay in touch with you all through email and if I’m well enough to counsel I can use Skype.

In Abadiania life is very simple. Our house is very small with no luxuries. My laptop computer will be my biggest luxury. We washed our clothing in the sink and hung it out to dry on the clothes line outside. But ironically we loved it. We loved the simplicity of living unplugged from the material world, walking barefoot on the dirt roads and waking to roosters crowing at 2am. Well, we didn’t really like that part. We had to purchase a fan to create white noise to drown out the sounds of the roosters. We donated the fan to the house when we left. I wonder if it will still be there.

Some say Lymes Disease is incurable. People who are diagnosed with fibromyalgia, Parkinson’s, Lupus and other diseases sometimes actually have Lyme’s. Lyme’s is difficult to detect through normal testing and often goes undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. Lyme’s is an autoimmune disease and it can go into remission and then return again. So some people who believe they have been cured are actually in remission. But I have read enough stories to know that many people seem to have full recoveries from this crippling disease. I plan to be one of them and just as I recovered from narcissistic abuse and went on to show others how they can recover and get their life back, I will do the same with Lyme’s.

Louise Hay, the author of “You Can Heal Your Life” says “Incurable means curable from within.”

Often times when confronted with a heavy burden we must turn our attention within and it is here that we find that lifeforce energy waiting for us to reconnect with it and heal from the inside out. I found that to be true in healing from narcissistic abuse. My salvation came from within. It was when I stopped believing that the narcissist in my life had the power to take anything real from me, that I could find that small flicker of light within and nurture it until it became a flame again.

Ironically Lyme’s Disease is a parasitic condition. It is a parasite that feeds on the body just as the narcissistic parasite feeds on the soul. To heal both we must take the same approach. We must deny the parasite its food and create the conditions for the body, mind, soul to regain its strength so it can fight off the invaders.

Dr. Vickery told me there was a war going on inside my body. The little buggers were fighting for their survival and so was my body. While at war we experience the pain and discomfort but we can’t give up the fight. We can’t allow the invader to take us over. We must do everything we know to do to arm ourselves so that we can endure through the darkness and find our way back into the light again.

Although I don’t tend to think of myself as being at war, I do see this as a journey within that is asking me to be strong and endure. Although the pain is more physical than emotional, it is much like the journey I had to take many years ago to heal from narcissistic abuse. I had to let go of everything and focus on my own healing and survival. Although it seemed at the time everything had been taken from me, in the end, I was given a whole new life. So I must trust that something profound will come out of this journey as well.

I’m Taking a Break

As of the first week of January I am taking a break from Counseling and from my radio show for a few weeks so that I can focus on my own healing process. Sometimes I get so focused outside of myself helping others that I forget to tend to my own needs, such as my need for rest, relaxation and healing. Lately my body has been sending me some pretty strong signals that it is time to stop for while and go within. After all, this is where the true healing is. Although my heart goes out to everyone who is struggling and in pain, I am only one person and I can tend to spread myself a little too thin. I am passionate about my work with narcissistic abuse and I love to be there for all of you who are needing support so I’ll be back soon.

If you need Counseling be sure that you are signed up for my Newsletter and I will make an announcement when I am taking clients again, and also when our next radio show is.

Anah Maa, my radio show Co-host offers Counseling and is available to work with you if you need someone right away. You can find her at www.anahmaa.com.

Meanwhile stay tuned as I will still be writing articles and posting newsletters.

Have a powerful 2011! May this be the best year ever!


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