Tag Archives: emotional abuse

How Our Stories Keep Us Stuck

One of the most common questions victims of narcissistic abuse ask me is “how do I stop thinking about it?”  There are a lot of reasons we get stuck in ruminating about the narcissist and what he or she has done.  Often the behavior you have witnessed is atrocious, even unforgivable as you might see it.  So we are not talking about the behavior here.  We are talking about YOU. What can you do to stop this ruminating cycle of obsession and hyper-focus on the abuser and the abuse?

We don’t often think about how our stories keep us stuck, but this is exactly what happens.  Everybody has a story.  The story might go like this.  “He was having an affair with another woman for the past three years we were together and every time I felt suspicious and ask him questions he told me I was crazy and got really upset with me.  I ended up feeling I was the problem and believed I was just needy and insecure.”

Okay, so this story is a painful one, no doubt.  You are likely feeling betrayed, used, deeply hurt and conned.  Your feelings are real.  I acknowledge them and you need to give yourself permission to feel the pain of this deep betrayal.  Feeling the feelings is an important part of your recovery.  But there is more.

When we experience a traumatic event, our tendency is to tell people about it.  We talk about what happened to us. It is both a way to process the trauma and get other’s opinions on how they see the event.  This is what we call validation.   You might tell yourself, “If you also believe that what he did to me was absolutely horrible, then it proves I’m not really going crazy.”

Often when with narcissists, they pull the “crazy” card, as a way of denying responsibility and controlling your reactions to their behavior.  It is also their way of controlling how other people see their behavior.  If a narcissist can get others to believe “you are crazy,” then they don’t look so bad.

The tendency is to want to defend yourself to all those “others” who have heard the “you are crazy” story.  But this doesn’t help.  People will always believe exactly what they want to.  People will believe what serves them the most.

What is important is not what others believe, but what YOU believe.  A minister once told me “It is done unto you as you believe, so don’t you believe it.”  We actually can choose what we believe.

Are you going to believe your “victim” story to the point where it continues to drive the dagger deeper into your heart every time you tell it to yourself or others?

The best way to shift the story is to learn to catch yourself while you are telling it, and also look for the lesson.  We can learn something very valuable from every life experience; even the most traumatic and painful.  So what did you learn from the experience?

The story I told earlier about the woman whose significant other had been cheating on her for the past three years and made her feel like she was crazy when she communicated her concerns with him, has an excellent lesson.  The woman did not trust herself.  She allowed the man she was with to make her feel she was crazy rather than align with her own intuitive knowing.  She felt in her heart that something wasn’t right.  She was suspicious of him and her suspicions proved to be true.  What she can learn is to trust her intuition.  She can learn that the part of her that knows something is not right is trying to communicate with her and she needs to listen and follow through, rather than go deeper into denial.

This woman’s responsibility in this situation is her own lack of trust in herself.  Her trust in herself was trumped by her significant other’s accusations of her.  Of course, once she found out the truth, she realized her partner had been lying to her and manipulating her and she feels very angry about this.  But at some point, she has to take responsibility for her part by acknowledging that she knew the truth but was unwilling to own it.  It was easier for her to stay in denial.

Her story can now change from “my partner was cheating on me for three years and everytime I said something to him about my suspicions, he made me feel like I was going crazy,” to “I knew something was going on but refused to trust myself.”  The first story makes her feel like a victim, but the second story gives her power.  Why?  Because she can do something about it.  She can’t do anything about who her partner turned out to be.  She is powerless to change him and his behavior.  But she does have power to change herself, to begin to build trust in herself and listen to her intuition.

Changing the story to one that empowers you, takes the “emotional charge” off the situation.  It can be difficult to admit the deeper truth to yourself, but the truth is what sets you free.  This is not about blaming yourself in any way.  There is a huge difference between self-blame and self -responsibility. With self-blame you are saying “it is my fault he had the affair because I wasn’t enough.”  Or you might say “it is my fault because I didn’t trust myself.”  When you are self-responsible, you are saying “what he did was terrible and I can’t change who he is, but I do have the power to change me, to listen to my “inner voice” and trust myself.”  We can’t go back and change the past, but we can surely change how we do things in the future.

One thing that needs to be understood is that each time we reinforce the version of the story that leaves us feeling powerless, we are ripping the scab off the wound and experiencing the pain over and over again.  There is a difference between fully experiencing one’s pain and releasing it and continuing to activate the pain body over and over again with the stories we tell ourselves.  When we do this, we are re-living the painful event over and over and re-traumatizing ourselves as a result.

Our stories are powerful!  So we need to be very selective about the stories we are telling ourselves.  Are they victim stories, or empowerment stories?  Choosing to upgrade your stories from victim to empowerment will make the difference between staying stuck in your pain and moving out of pain.

On The Good Karma Path

Listen to the Podcast NOW on Pandora’s Box with Kaleah

good_karma_pathKarma is the Universal Law of Cause and Effect. But how does that show up in our lives? Do we really reap what we sow? Do people really get away with cruelty and dirty deeds towards others?

In this episode of Pandora’s Box Kaleah talks about karma from the perspective of emotional life and death. She talks about Karma in relationship to living in a narcissistic society, dealing with narcissistic people and facing our own inner narcissism.

Join Kaleah to learn more about how you can walk the “Good Karma Path” and reap what you sow in a way that brings you more of what you truly seek in life.

Listen NOW!

Psychic Energy Vampires

vampire_energy2I have frequently used the phrase “psychic vampire,” or “energy vampire” to describe a person who extracts energy from others in order to survive in their world.

We have all heard of vampires, who feed on the blood of others. The psychic vampire feeds on the “life-force” energy of others. However it is not normally a conscious endeavor.

In my book “Narcissism, The Web of Illusion” I talk about narcissistic defenses really being an “unconscious” behavior. The perpetrator is not normally aware of how his actions are affecting others. On the contrary, the perpetrator often feels he is the one being victimized. Narcissistic people are normally energy vampires.

How does one know when his/her energy is being preyed upon? It is really quite simple. Just be aware of how you feel around different people. Start making mental notes. Some people will leave you feeling happy, energized, or nurtured. Others will leave you feeling drained, tired, depressed, angry or confused in some way.

If the person who leaves you feeling tired and drained has this affect on you most of the time than they are likely an energy vampire. You may enter the interaction or conversation feeling good about something and during the course of the conversation you are transformed into feeling bad. For example: Say you just got a big promotion at work and you are really excited. You go home from work and you are high with excitement and share the good news with your partner. He or she listens to you talk about your promotion and then says something like “Good for you! Hey do you know where my blue water bottle is?”

O.K. his/her words weren’t obviously cruel or condemning. S/he even said “good for you!” But somehow you feel that you haven’t been heard and that s/he doesn’t really share in your excitement. In fact it seems more s/he could care less. You feel a plummet in your energy and suddenly you are not feeling very excited anymore. You may respond by saying “No I haven’t seen your blue bottle!” And…s/he goes on to focus on the missing bottle.

The celebration of your promotion at work was cut very short. In fact if you want to celebrate at all you will need to call a friend who actually cares about you and your good news. But by now you may not feel much like celebrating. You may feel that your promotion really isn’t that big of a deal after all. Especially since the person closest to you doesn’t seem to think it is.

Whenever you feel a sudden plummet of your energy whether from a friend, an acquaintance, a co-worker or a spouse or partner, you may be dealing with a psychic energy vampire.

A psychic vampire is not necessarily a psychic person but rather someone who preys on the psychic energy of another person.

I am very sensitive and read energy quite easily. But in the past, I didn’t know enough about this sensitivity to be able to interpret what was going on with me and why I often felt drained when around a lot of people, or certain people. Now I am aware of what is going on around me and know when to leave a room or a situation.

I meet a lot of psychic vampires who appear to be normal people going about their business. But here is what I have noticed. These type of people seem to want something from me. I notice the conversations tend to be one sided where they are doing all the talking and I am doing all the listening. There is no true interaction. I feel the conversation has been hijacked or that I am being held hostage within that person’s rant. If I try to relate or share something about myself pertaining to the conversation, I feel as if I am not at all heard. My contribution is passed up as they continue their conversation as if I haven’t said a word.

When I ask myself what the intention of these people might be, I see they are looking for admiration, approval, positive feedback, are trying to sell me something or get me to believe something. If I begin to feel annoyed, drained, or tired, I immediately excuse myself and leave the conversation.

In healthy relationships we feed each other. We share energy. One of us might be feeling down and the other can encourage us and say things to support us which can bring us up. Other times we are the ones helping and encouraging the other. It is a give and take energy exchange that is mutually beneficial. However with energy vampires, there is no give and take, only take. They don’t have any energy in their own reserves to give.

A psychic vampire or energy vampire is an emotionally and spiritually depleted individual. S/he doesn’t have a true “inner life” and is not spiritually connected to life. S/he has spent his/her life extracting energy from the outside instead of learning how to go within and cultivate his/her own inner world.

Think of the human body and its need for nutrition. Our bodies have the ability to manufacture most of what we need from within if given the right nutrients and building blocks. But let’s say a person eats nothing but junk food and then takes a lot of vitamins. He is relying on this external substance to feed him instead of feeding his body healthy substances that build his body on a cellular level. If he truly wanted to be healthy he would learn that he needed to cleanse out all the toxins that have been accumulating from years of bad eating and then begin taking in high nutrient dense foods to rebuild his body.

It is much the same with a psychic vampire except the food we are speaking of is “life-force” energy. An emotionally and spiritually healthy individual will plug directly into the source of life in order to restore himself energetically and spiritually. He might do this through prayer, meditation, yoga, spending time in nature, sitting quietly, studying either on an individual level or with a group, or talking to someone like a counselor, a minister or a wise friend. These practices have a way of restoring our energy and helping us to learn more about ourselves and our connection to life.

With a psychic vampire, s/he doesn’t really go within. S/he has spent most of his/her life running and is cut off from the true self within. S/he may be very accomplished and intelligent on a mental level. S/he may be very attractive and take good physical care of the physical form. These are things that contribute to his/her over all “outer appearance.” But within s/he is an empty shell. There is no real substance there. S/he is shallow.

The longer we are in relationship with a psychic vampire the more we recognize just how shallow s/he is. The more we search for the depth in the person, the more we realize we are dealing with a puddle rather than a lake. There really is no depth.

It is in the depths of a person we find the human spirit. We find our deepest qualities, our deepest thoughts and feelings, hopes and dreams. The phrase “Know Thyself” means to take the journey within and explore the depths of our own being on an emotional and spiritual level. The greater we “know thyself” the greater our capacity to “know others.” If we avoid knowing ourselves, we also avoid truly knowing anyone else. We relate to people on a superficial level, focusing on appearances, rather than deeper truth. Things are not always as they appear to be.

If our life-force energy is in the depths of who we are, then it would make sense that someone, without depth, would need to extract from the depths of others. We get our life-force energy from being truly alive and connected to the source of life. This is where we draw our energy from. This is why spiritual retreat is necessary for the restoration of the human spirit.

Of course all of us have the capacity to be an energy vampire; especially if we have been vampired by another, are sick and/or depressed or addicted in some way. We can temporarily drain others with our neediness and desire to be fed or validated. When we heal ourselves, go within and get our “food” from the source of life, this will automatically change.

If you’ve been “vamped” or otherwise had your energy drained through a relationship with a psychic energy vampire, it is time to disconnect the psychic chords that are allowing the psychic vampire to feed on your energy and go to work restoring yourself through spiritual practice, right eating, and exercise.

An energy vampire has no real power in your life. S/he extracted your energy because you didn’t know any better at the time. You allowed it! Now that you are aware you can prevent it from happening simply by refusing to give your energy to this person and pulling your energy back once you realize you are being drained.

How We Give Psychic Vampires our Energy

We give our energy to a psychic vampire by allowing ourselves to be controlled on some level. We allow ourselves to be controlled by fear, by a desire to please, by a need for approval, and even through anger, pain and rejection. When we are angry at someone we give them a very large piece of our energy. Our energy is focused on the person we are angry at. When we feel dumped, humiliated, rejected or hurt by a relationship we also tend to give our energy to that person through our constant obsession or focus on them.

vampire energyIn abusive relationships we are constantly surrendering our energy and power in order to avoid conflict or further abuse. We suppress our voice, our energy and our personal power which is much the same as handing it over to the other person. We tolerate disrespect, dishonor, criticism, disapproval and overall poor treatment. Each time we experience our abusers disapproval we tend to feel a piece of our energy being extracted. We feel more and more powerless and the abuser feels more and more powerful.

The only way for us to get our energy and power back is to stop giving it away and remove ourselves from disrespectful and abusive environments. We have to love and respect ourselves enough to say “NO MORE!”

Once we are on our own again, it is important to turn the focus of our lives back to ourselves and remove the focus from our abuser. As I said before we continue to give our energy, on a psychic level, through obsessive focus on the past or on our abuser. Although it can be a great challenge NOT to focus on our abuser this really needs to be what we strive for.

The reason we tend to look backward so much and even become obsessed with what our abuser is doing, is that s/he still has a piece of us and we want that piece back. Our illusionary nature believes that we miss that person, miss what we had, and wish there could be a way for it to all work out, but there is much more beneath the surface. I believe we don’t miss that person as much as we miss the part of ourselves s/he took from us.

When we have separated from the energy vampire who has been extracting our life-force energy we must, at all costs, bring our focus back to ourselves and do everything within our ability to restore ourselves to health on all levels, mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. This is how we will heal and restore our energy.

Remember, when you are connected to the source of life, you can draw energy directly from the light. Once you have stopped leaking your energy to the past, you can fill your reserves again and get on with your life in a much more empowered way.

We can become more empowered once we get ourselves back from a situation that extracts our energy because we learn not to allow that again. We learn how to protect ourselves and we are able to see the signs when someone is extracting our energy and leave the situation much sooner.

cord_cutting_100wDownload my “Psychic Cord Cutting” Audio program Now for only $12.97 and cut those toxic emotional cords to the energy vampire in your life.

Psychic Energy Vampires

vampire_energy2I have frequently used the phrase “psychic vampire,” or “energy vampire” to describe a person who extracts energy from others in order to survive in their world.

We have all heard of vampires, who feed on the blood of others. The psychic vampire feeds on the “life-force” energy of others. However it is not normally a conscious endeavor.

In my book “Narcissism, The Web of Illusion” I talk about narcissistic defenses really being an “unconscious” behavior. The perpetrator is not normally aware of how his actions are affecting others. On the contrary, the perpetrator often feels he is the one being victimized. Narcissistic people are normally energy vampires.

How does one know when his/her energy is being preyed upon? It is really quite simple. Just be aware of how you feel around different people. Start making mental notes. Some people will leave you feeling happy, energized, or nurtured. Others will leave you feeling drained, tired, depressed, angry or confused in some way.

If the person who leaves you feeling tired and drained has this affect on you most of the time than they are likely an energy vampire. You may enter the interaction or conversation feeling good about something and during the course of the conversation you are transformed into feeling bad. For example: Say you just got a big promotion at work and you are really excited. You go home from work and you are high with excitement and share the good news with your partner. He or she listens to you talk about your promotion and then says something like “Good for you! Hey do you know where my blue water bottle is?”

O.K. his/her words weren’t obviously cruel or condemning. S/he even said “good for you!” But somehow you feel that you haven’t been heard and that s/he doesn’t really share in your excitement. In fact it seems more s/he could care less. You feel a plummet in your energy and suddenly you are not feeling very excited anymore. You may respond by saying “No I haven’t seen your blue bottle!” And…s/he goes on to focus on the missing bottle.

The celebration of your promotion at work was cut very short. In fact if you want to celebrate at all you will need to call a friend who actually cares about you and your good news. But by now you may not feel much like celebrating. You may feel that your promotion really isn’t that big of a deal after all. Especially since the person closest to you doesn’t seem to think it is.

Whenever you feel a sudden plummet of your energy whether from a friend, an acquaintance, a co-worker or a spouse or partner, you may be dealing with a psychic energy vampire.

A psychic vampire is not necessarily a psychic person but rather someone who preys on the psychic energy of another person.

I am very sensitive and read energy quite easily. But in the past, I didn’t know enough about this sensitivity to be able to interpret what was going on with me and why I often felt drained when around a lot of people, or certain people. Now I am aware of what is going on around me and know when to leave a room or a situation.

I meet a lot of psychic vampires who appear to be normal people going about their business. But here is what I have noticed. These type of people seem to want something from me. I notice the conversations tend to be one sided where they are doing all the talking and I am doing all the listening. There is no true interaction. I feel the conversation has been hijacked or that I am being held hostage within that person’s rant. If I try to relate or share something about myself pertaining to the conversation, I feel as if I am not at all heard. My contribution is passed up as they continue their conversation as if I haven’t said a word.

When I ask myself what the intention of these people might be, I see they are looking for admiration, approval, positive feedback, are trying to sell me something or get me to believe something. If I begin to feel annoyed, drained, or tired, I immediately excuse myself and leave the conversation.

In healthy relationships we feed each other. We share energy. One of us might be feeling down and the other can encourage us and say things to support us which can bring us up. Other times we are the ones helping and encouraging the other. It is a give and take energy exchange that is mutually beneficial. However with energy vampires, there is no give and take, only take. They don’t have any energy in their own reserves to give.

A psychic vampire or energy vampire is an emotionally and spiritually depleted individual. S/he doesn’t have a true “inner life” and is not spiritually connected to life. S/he has spent his/her life extracting energy from the outside instead of learning how to go within and cultivate his/her own inner world.

Think of the human body and its need for nutrition. Our bodies have the ability to manufacture most of what we need from within if given the right nutrients and building blocks. But let’s say a person eats nothing but junk food and then takes a lot of vitamins. He is relying on this external substance to feed him instead of feeding his body healthy substances that build his body on a cellular level. If he truly wanted to be healthy he would learn that he needed to cleanse out all the toxins that have been accumulating from years of bad eating and then begin taking in high nutrient dense foods to rebuild his body.

It is much the same with a psychic vampire except the food we are speaking of is “life-force” energy. An emotionally and spiritually healthy individual will plug directly into the source of life in order to restore himself energetically and spiritually. He might do this through prayer, meditation, yoga, spending time in nature, sitting quietly, studying either on an individual level or with a group, or talking to someone like a counselor, a minister or a wise friend. These practices have a way of restoring our energy and helping us to learn more about ourselves and our connection to life.

With a psychic vampire, s/he doesn’t really go within. S/he has spent most of his/her life running and is cut off from the true self within. S/he may be very accomplished and intelligent on a mental level. S/he may be very attractive and take good physical care of the physical form. These are things that contribute to his/her over all “outer appearance.” But within s/he is an empty shell. There is no real substance there. S/he is shallow.

The longer we are in relationship with a psychic vampire the more we recognize just how shallow s/he is. The more we search for the depth in the person, the more we realize we are dealing with a puddle rather than a lake. There really is no depth.

It is in the depths of a person we find the human spirit. We find our deepest qualities, our deepest thoughts and feelings, hopes and dreams. The phrase “Know Thyself” means to take the journey within and explore the depths of our own being on an emotional and spiritual level. The greater we “know thyself” the greater our capacity to “know others.” If we avoid knowing ourselves, we also avoid truly knowing anyone else. We relate to people on a superficial level, focusing on appearances, rather than deeper truth. Things are not always as they appear to be.

If our life-force energy is in the depths of who we are, then it would make sense that someone, without depth, would need to extract from the depths of others. We get our life-force energy from being truly alive and connected to the source of life. This is where we draw our energy from. This is why spiritual retreat is necessary for the restoration of the human spirit.

Of course all of us have the capacity to be an energy vampire; especially if we have been vampired by another, are sick and/or depressed or addicted in some way. We can temporarily drain others with our neediness and desire to be fed or validated. When we heal ourselves, go within and get our “food” from the source of life, this will automatically change.

If you’ve been “vamped” or otherwise had your energy drained through a relationship with a psychic energy vampire, it is time to disconnect the psychic chords that are allowing the psychic vampire to feed on your energy and go to work restoring yourself through spiritual practice, right eating, and exercise.

An energy vampire has no real power in your life. S/he extracted your energy because you didn’t know any better at the time. You allowed it! Now that you are aware you can prevent it from happening simply by refusing to give your energy to this person and pulling your energy back once you realize you are being drained.

How We Give Psychic Vampires our Energy

We give our energy to a psychic vampire by allowing ourselves to be controlled on some level. We allow ourselves to be controlled by fear, by a desire to please, by a need for approval, and even through anger, pain and rejection. When we are angry at someone we give them a very large piece of our energy. Our energy is focused on the person we are angry at. When we feel dumped, humiliated, rejected or hurt by a relationship we also tend to give our energy to that person through our constant obsession or focus on them.

vampire energyIn abusive relationships we are constantly surrendering our energy and power in order to avoid conflict or further abuse. We suppress our voice, our energy and our personal power which is much the same as handing it over to the other person. We tolerate disrespect, dishonor, criticism, disapproval and overall poor treatment. Each time we experience our abusers disapproval we tend to feel a piece of our energy being extracted. We feel more and more powerless and the abuser feels more and more powerful.

The only way for us to get our energy and power back is to stop giving it away and remove ourselves from disrespectful and abusive environments. We have to love and respect ourselves enough to say “NO MORE!”

Once we are on our own again, it is important to turn the focus of our lives back to ourselves and remove the focus from our abuser. As I said before we continue to give our energy, on a psychic level, through obsessive focus on the past or on our abuser. Although it can be a great challenge NOT to focus on our abuser this really needs to be what we strive for.

The reason we tend to look backward so much and even become obsessed with what our abuser is doing, is that s/he still has a piece of us and we want that piece back. Our illusionary nature believes that we miss that person, miss what we had, and wish there could be a way for it to all work out, but there is much more beneath the surface. I believe we don’t miss that person as much as we miss the part of ourselves s/he took from us.

When we have separated from the energy vampire who has been extracting our life-force energy we must, at all costs, bring our focus back to ourselves and do everything within our ability to restore ourselves to health on all levels, mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. This is how we will heal and restore our energy.

Remember, when you are connected to the source of life, you can draw energy directly from the light. Once you have stopped leaking your energy to the past, you can fill your reserves again and get on with your life in a much more empowered way.

We can become more empowered once we get ourselves back from a situation that extracts our energy because we learn not to allow that again. We learn how to protect ourselves and we are able to see the signs when someone is extracting our energy and leave the situation much sooner.

cord_cutting_100wDownload my “Psychic Cord Cutting” Audio program Now for only $12.97 and cut those toxic emotional cords to the energy vampire in your life.