Tag Archives: self loathing

How Our Stories Keep Us Stuck

One of the most common questions victims of narcissistic abuse ask me is “how do I stop thinking about it?”  There are a lot of reasons we get stuck in ruminating about the narcissist and what he or she has done.  Often the behavior you have witnessed is atrocious, even unforgivable as you might see it.  So we are not talking about the behavior here.  We are talking about YOU. What can you do to stop this ruminating cycle of obsession and hyper-focus on the abuser and the abuse?

We don’t often think about how our stories keep us stuck, but this is exactly what happens.  Everybody has a story.  The story might go like this.  “He was having an affair with another woman for the past three years we were together and every time I felt suspicious and ask him questions he told me I was crazy and got really upset with me.  I ended up feeling I was the problem and believed I was just needy and insecure.”

Okay, so this story is a painful one, no doubt.  You are likely feeling betrayed, used, deeply hurt and conned.  Your feelings are real.  I acknowledge them and you need to give yourself permission to feel the pain of this deep betrayal.  Feeling the feelings is an important part of your recovery.  But there is more.

When we experience a traumatic event, our tendency is to tell people about it.  We talk about what happened to us. It is both a way to process the trauma and get other’s opinions on how they see the event.  This is what we call validation.   You might tell yourself, “If you also believe that what he did to me was absolutely horrible, then it proves I’m not really going crazy.”

Often when with narcissists, they pull the “crazy” card, as a way of denying responsibility and controlling your reactions to their behavior.  It is also their way of controlling how other people see their behavior.  If a narcissist can get others to believe “you are crazy,” then they don’t look so bad.

The tendency is to want to defend yourself to all those “others” who have heard the “you are crazy” story.  But this doesn’t help.  People will always believe exactly what they want to.  People will believe what serves them the most.

What is important is not what others believe, but what YOU believe.  A minister once told me “It is done unto you as you believe, so don’t you believe it.”  We actually can choose what we believe.

Are you going to believe your “victim” story to the point where it continues to drive the dagger deeper into your heart every time you tell it to yourself or others?

The best way to shift the story is to learn to catch yourself while you are telling it, and also look for the lesson.  We can learn something very valuable from every life experience; even the most traumatic and painful.  So what did you learn from the experience?

The story I told earlier about the woman whose significant other had been cheating on her for the past three years and made her feel like she was crazy when she communicated her concerns with him, has an excellent lesson.  The woman did not trust herself.  She allowed the man she was with to make her feel she was crazy rather than align with her own intuitive knowing.  She felt in her heart that something wasn’t right.  She was suspicious of him and her suspicions proved to be true.  What she can learn is to trust her intuition.  She can learn that the part of her that knows something is not right is trying to communicate with her and she needs to listen and follow through, rather than go deeper into denial.

This woman’s responsibility in this situation is her own lack of trust in herself.  Her trust in herself was trumped by her significant other’s accusations of her.  Of course, once she found out the truth, she realized her partner had been lying to her and manipulating her and she feels very angry about this.  But at some point, she has to take responsibility for her part by acknowledging that she knew the truth but was unwilling to own it.  It was easier for her to stay in denial.

Her story can now change from “my partner was cheating on me for three years and everytime I said something to him about my suspicions, he made me feel like I was going crazy,” to “I knew something was going on but refused to trust myself.”  The first story makes her feel like a victim, but the second story gives her power.  Why?  Because she can do something about it.  She can’t do anything about who her partner turned out to be.  She is powerless to change him and his behavior.  But she does have power to change herself, to begin to build trust in herself and listen to her intuition.

Changing the story to one that empowers you, takes the “emotional charge” off the situation.  It can be difficult to admit the deeper truth to yourself, but the truth is what sets you free.  This is not about blaming yourself in any way.  There is a huge difference between self-blame and self -responsibility. With self-blame you are saying “it is my fault he had the affair because I wasn’t enough.”  Or you might say “it is my fault because I didn’t trust myself.”  When you are self-responsible, you are saying “what he did was terrible and I can’t change who he is, but I do have the power to change me, to listen to my “inner voice” and trust myself.”  We can’t go back and change the past, but we can surely change how we do things in the future.

One thing that needs to be understood is that each time we reinforce the version of the story that leaves us feeling powerless, we are ripping the scab off the wound and experiencing the pain over and over again.  There is a difference between fully experiencing one’s pain and releasing it and continuing to activate the pain body over and over again with the stories we tell ourselves.  When we do this, we are re-living the painful event over and over and re-traumatizing ourselves as a result.

Our stories are powerful!  So we need to be very selective about the stories we are telling ourselves.  Are they victim stories, or empowerment stories?  Choosing to upgrade your stories from victim to empowerment will make the difference between staying stuck in your pain and moving out of pain.

Self Love and Gratitude

ThanksgivingThis week, in the U.S., we celebrate Thanksgiving. I have been a vegetarian for decades and Thanksgiving Day is not about the Turkey Feast. It is about gathering with friends and celebrating what it is we are truly grateful for in our lives.

When going through pain and hardship it can be difficult to think about what you are grateful for, and often difficult to feel any gratitude at all. It seems to be human nature that our inner focus is directed to “what’s wrong” rather than “whats right.” We are problem solvers and want to solve “what is wrong” in order to achieve our goal of having “everything right.”

We are human and we are flawed. We will never have all our duckies in a row and perfection will always elude us. However we do have an amazing capacity to feel love and joy.

selflove5Studies show that “gratitude” is a powerful healer. Whether you are sick, in pain or depressed, by focusing on what you are grateful for, you begin to shift your attention to “the glass is half full” rather than “half empty.”

It is “self loving” to actually seek out things to love about yourself and about your current circumstances, whatever they are. If you don’t know where to begin, do a personal inventory. Do you have your arms and legs? Can you see? Can you hear? Can you taste your food? Do you feel? Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have food on your plate when you are hungry? Do you have anyone in your life who you know really loves you?

Dr. Ernest Holmes, founder of Religious Science, tells us “comparison is the cause of all unhappiness.” We tend to compare ourselves to those we see as having less than we do and as a result we feel superior and we compare ourselves with those we perceive as “having more” and feel inferior. Both superiority and inferiority separate us from each other. We do not see ourselves as equal and therefore we build walls that separate us from standing on common ground.

Since many of us tend to see the glass as “half empty,” the comparisons we make in our daily life are most often focused on our lack and limitation. We don’t have enough and we are not enough. We compare ourselves with those, we perceive, as having more and feel insecure and inadequate. This is not self loving. It is self sabotaging.

Practicing gratitude is a way to take us from focusing outside of ourselves on the successes and failures of others and instead focus inward on our own blessings. The more we focus on our blessings the more we become aware of what is good in our lives and the more “good” we attract into our lives. We also begin to feel better about ourselves. We stop comparing ourselves to the fortunes and misfortunes of others and start to realize that our life is meant to be lived for our own soul’s growth and we need to celebrate our own successes.

Those who wake up in the morning and count their blessings will have more blessings to count. This is because “counting your blessings,” creates an energetic vibration of gratitude that, through the law of attraction, draws more to you on that same vibrational wavelength.

When I work with people who have just come out of terrible relationships and are in deep emotional pain, I often suggest they shift the way they look at what just happened. One can say “my husband left me for another woman,” or she can say “the Universe removed this person from my life so that I can know myself on greater levels, learn to love myself more, and attract someone into my life who will mirror to me my own self love.”

If, at the core, we are self loathing, rather than self loving, we will attract into our lives someone who mirrors to us our own self loathing. This means we may attract someone who abuses us, or treats us poorly. We may not have been aware of how much “self loathing” we actually had, on a subconscious level, until we found ourselves in relationship with someone who made us feel really ugly and worthless. We may stay in that relationship because there is a core belief we don’t deserve anything more. Bad relationships are a great way to “root out” those negative core beliefs and show us how we really feel about ourselves. If that person leaves, say “thank you;” because you are now being given an opportunity to move up the vibrational ladder to greater self love and awareness.

The pain we are often left with in circumstances like this, is our deep core pain being rooted out. We may have moved through a life filled with distractions so we didn’t really have to look that deeply at ourselves and at some point your soul says “it’s time to evolve beyond this pattern” and will create the circumstances for your evolution. It may be painful, because you are growing out of a self sabotaging, dysfunctional pattern. You are facing your inner demons, your shadow side, in a way you never have before. So if you are in pain from being thrown into a deep inner growth challenge, say “thank you for this opportunity to grow from self loathing to self loving.”

Even in the most painful circumstances we can find something to be grateful for. Feel the pain! Embrace the healing process! But seek out what is good about where you find yourself and celebrate that.

When you practice gratitude in your daily life it becomes second nature. You simply begin to see the glass as “half full” in your life and you naturally have an attitude of gratitude which gives you a more positive outlook on life and a happier disposition.

So “be glad” for the good and trust that life is moving you towards your highest good and the greatest fulfillment of your life purpose.

Happy Thanks Giving!

Self Love and Gratitude

ThanksgivingThis week, in the U.S., we celebrate Thanksgiving. I have been a vegetarian for decades and Thanksgiving Day is not about the Turkey Feast. It is about gathering with friends and celebrating what it is we are truly grateful for in our lives.

When going through pain and hardship it can be difficult to think about what you are grateful for, and often difficult to feel any gratitude at all. It seems to be human nature that our inner focus is directed to “what’s wrong” rather than “whats right.” We are problem solvers and want to solve “what is wrong” in order to achieve our goal of having “everything right.”

We are human and we are flawed. We will never have all our duckies in a row and perfection will always elude us. However we do have an amazing capacity to feel love and joy.

selflove5Studies show that “gratitude” is a powerful healer. Whether you are sick, in pain or depressed, by focusing on what you are grateful for, you begin to shift your attention to “the glass is half full” rather than “half empty.”

It is “self loving” to actually seek out things to love about yourself and about your current circumstances, whatever they are. If you don’t know where to begin, do a personal inventory. Do you have your arms and legs? Can you see? Can you hear? Can you taste your food? Do you feel? Do you have a roof over your head? Do you have food on your plate when you are hungry? Do you have anyone in your life who you know really loves you?

Dr. Ernest Holmes, founder of Religious Science, tells us “comparison is the cause of all unhappiness.” We tend to compare ourselves to those we see as having less than we do and as a result we feel superior and we compare ourselves with those we perceive as “having more” and feel inferior. Both superiority and inferiority separate us from each other. We do not see ourselves as equal and therefore we build walls that separate us from standing on common ground.

Since many of us tend to see the glass as “half empty,” the comparisons we make in our daily life are most often focused on our lack and limitation. We don’t have enough and we are not enough. We compare ourselves with those, we perceive, as having more and feel insecure and inadequate. This is not self loving. It is self sabotaging.

Practicing gratitude is a way to take us from focusing outside of ourselves on the successes and failures of others and instead focus inward on our own blessings. The more we focus on our blessings the more we become aware of what is good in our lives and the more “good” we attract into our lives. We also begin to feel better about ourselves. We stop comparing ourselves to the fortunes and misfortunes of others and start to realize that our life is meant to be lived for our own soul’s growth and we need to celebrate our own successes.

Those who wake up in the morning and count their blessings will have more blessings to count. This is because “counting your blessings,” creates an energetic vibration of gratitude that, through the law of attraction, draws more to you on that same vibrational wavelength.

When I work with people who have just come out of terrible relationships and are in deep emotional pain, I often suggest they shift the way they look at what just happened. One can say “my husband left me for another woman,” or she can say “the Universe removed this person from my life so that I can know myself on greater levels, learn to love myself more, and attract someone into my life who will mirror to me my own self love.”

If, at the core, we are self loathing, rather than self loving, we will attract into our lives someone who mirrors to us our own self loathing. This means we may attract someone who abuses us, or treats us poorly. We may not have been aware of how much “self loathing” we actually had, on a subconscious level, until we found ourselves in relationship with someone who made us feel really ugly and worthless. We may stay in that relationship because there is a core belief we don’t deserve anything more. Bad relationships are a great way to “root out” those negative core beliefs and show us how we really feel about ourselves. If that person leaves, say “thank you;” because you are now being given an opportunity to move up the vibrational ladder to greater self love and awareness.

The pain we are often left with in circumstances like this, is our deep core pain being rooted out. We may have moved through a life filled with distractions so we didn’t really have to look that deeply at ourselves and at some point your soul says “it’s time to evolve beyond this pattern” and will create the circumstances for your evolution. It may be painful, because you are growing out of a self sabotaging, dysfunctional pattern. You are facing your inner demons, your shadow side, in a way you never have before. So if you are in pain from being thrown into a deep inner growth challenge, say “thank you for this opportunity to grow from self loathing to self loving.”

Even in the most painful circumstances we can find something to be grateful for. Feel the pain! Embrace the healing process! But seek out what is good about where you find yourself and celebrate that.

When you practice gratitude in your daily life it becomes second nature. You simply begin to see the glass as “half full” in your life and you naturally have an attitude of gratitude which gives you a more positive outlook on life and a happier disposition.

So “be glad” for the good and trust that life is moving you towards your highest good and the greatest fulfillment of your life purpose.

Happy Thanks Giving!

On The Good Karma Path

Listen to the Podcast NOW on Pandora’s Box with Kaleah

good_karma_pathKarma is the Universal Law of Cause and Effect. But how does that show up in our lives? Do we really reap what we sow? Do people really get away with cruelty and dirty deeds towards others?

In this episode of Pandora’s Box Kaleah talks about karma from the perspective of emotional life and death. She talks about Karma in relationship to living in a narcissistic society, dealing with narcissistic people and facing our own inner narcissism.

Join Kaleah to learn more about how you can walk the “Good Karma Path” and reap what you sow in a way that brings you more of what you truly seek in life.

Listen NOW!