Breaking Free of the Victim Perpetrator Cycle

relationship-66I have learned so much about the victim, perpetrator cycle through my private facebook group which now has over five thousand members. The group is for recovery of narcissistic abuse and everybody who joins comes believing they are victims of abuse but on the forum some people seem to be the perpetrator. It raises the question “were these people the perpetrator in their relationships also?”

It is such a delicate balance between the victim and the perpetrator. It is a dance of power and control. The perpetrator wants to feel in control and so he or she uses abusive tactics such as manipulation, lying, and other power plays. The victim in his or her attempt to regain power and control will often use the same type of tactics. The victim may lie to prevent further abuse and manipulate in order to try and control his/her reality.

People who come out of narcissistic relationships are often very angry, hypersensitive and emotionally reactive. They may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression, anxiety and a host of other issues, including feelings of utter powerlessness. So in the forum I hear things like “I will not be treated like this again!” “I will not allow anyone to talk to me like that!” “I will not have my voice suppressed; I have a right to say how I feel!”

Typically the narcissist also feels as if he/she has been victimized. This is due to projection. The narcissist will accuse his nearest and dearest of doing what he/she is doing or capable of doing. A narcissist without moral values will accuse the victim of having no moral values or accuse the victim of lying, cheating and manipulating, when he/she is the one doing this. It is crazy making to say the least.

That “crazy” finds its way to support forums such as the one I launched a little over a year ago. Kicking people out of the forum for inappropriate behavior is a near daily occurrence. The forum may not be the safest place in the world for recovery but it is FREE and people flock to it. Forums such as this one give people the opportunity to confront abusive situations, to recognize “unacceptable” behavior and make choices for their own well being. People will often be offended by something someone says and send me a private message asking me to jump in and take care of the offender. If I don’t act right away or don’t act as they feel I should they send me another private message letting me know how unsupportive the forum is and announce their departure. It is a type of devaluing and discarding that happens when someone‘s expectations are not met.

Both victims and perpetrators suffer. We are often under the impression that narcissists and other crazy makers don’t suffer. As long as we are caught up in the cycle of abuse whether we are the victim or the perpetrator we suffer! I’ve had clients tell me “Oh he never suffered! He lives a charmed life!” But I tell them I beg to differ! What one shows you on the outside doesn’t indicate the internal hell one might be living in. Continue reading

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The Wounded Part; Healing the Deeper Self

Tuesday November 4th, 4pm PST, 7pm EST on Pandora’s Box with Kaleah

littlegirlswingingEach of us has within us a wounded aspect that seeks healing. We are not that wounded part but we can unconsciously allow that wounded part to direct our lives. The more we can understand ourselves and care for and nurture our own wounded part, the stronger we become and the more “healed” we are. When we deny this aspect of SELF we often don’t see our own sabotoging and destructive behavior.

In this episode of Pandora’s Box Kaleah will be talking about the wounded aspect of self and how to acknowledge and work with it.

This show is being recorded and will be available at the above links for listening at any time.

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Becoming More Narcissistic? A Discussion on Healthy Narcissism

Tuesday October 7th, 2014, 4pm PT, 7pm ET: On Pandora’s Box with Kaleah

catandlionIf you have ever been involved with a narcissist you might have wished at some point that you were more like him/her. Maybe you feel you are too empathetic, too compassionate, you care too much for the other person, you are not confident enough, and think more of others than you do of yourself. Maybe you are afraid to self promote or put yourself out there.

We all go through a narcissistic phase when we are children; even teenagers have a narcissistic phase. But what is the difference between healthy narcissism and pathological narcissism?

On this episode of Pandora’s Box we are going to explore “healthy narcissism” and how developing a little more narcissism can actually help us to recover from narcissistic abuse and not be such a target for the pathological narcissist.

Listen Live on Blog Talk Radio

Listen on Sedona Talk Radio

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Banishing the Crazy Maker: A Tough Love Approach to Regaining Your Sanity

Tuesday September 30th, 4pm PST / 7pm EST on Pandora’s Box with Kaleah

crazymakers-300x199Crazy Makers. Who are they? They are those people in your life who drive you crazy. I mean literally drive you crazy. They are the narcissists, the sociopaths, the borderline personalities and other people who confuse reality, project their inner demons onto you and blame you for their behavior.

In this episode of Pandora’s Box we will talk about how to Banish the crazies from our life and recover our sanity and well being. We will talk about the art of “tough love” and the importance of Self love. This is an episode not to be missed.

Listen Live on Blog Talk Radio!

Listen on Sedona Talk Radio!

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The Will to Live After Psychological Abuse

Tuesday September 9th, 4pm PST / 7pm EST on Pandora’s Box with Kaleah

willtoliveSuicidal tendencies are common amongst people who are coming out of relationships with narcissists, sociopaths, and other crazy making personalities. There is often extreme loss of Self as well as loss of the illusion one has been living under. There is also loss of social support, friends and family members due to the crazy making energies of the relationship.

Understanding why one has lost the will to live is an important part of the recovery process and so is regaining what has been lost.

In this episode of Pandora’s Box we will be discussing why we lose the “Will to Live” and how to work with the feelings that are surfacing during such a dark time in our lives. We will also be talking about “The Journey into Darkness” and related Mythological characters who bring wisdom through their journeys.

Join us Live!

Listen to the Archived Show.

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