Fear and Drama is the Ego’s Food!

ego-spiritRecently, on the advice of a mentor, I revisited Eckhart Tolle’s book “A New Earth”.  Often when we have had years of growth between the last time we have read a profound book like this one, it is like reading it for the first time, because there is so much insight we might not have gained from our first reading.  We gain what we are ready and willing to gain or absorb.

Tolle really delves into the Ego and how it is the Ego that defines our illusory self.  This is the “Self” we have been conditioned to believe we are.  We identify with this “Self” and the more we do this, the more power we give it.  When we become aware of the Ego it loses power.  When we can learn to identify the ego, to observe it in action, we bring awareness to this dysfunctional aspect of Self.  When we become aware of something it can no longer function in the dark.

When we are in turmoil and emotional pain, the ego is thriving!  According to Tolle, we could not feel emotional pain, rooted in the past, if we were not identified with our ego.  Our ego tells us we are our pain.  Our thoughts, or the voice in our head, tell us untruths about ourselves that increase our pain.  We hear the voice that tells us we are worthless, we are “no good,” we are unlovable and so on.  I have always called these “core beliefs” because we often learn these lies about ourselves in early childhood.  However, these lies go dormant and surface again when we have an upset, crisis or trauma in our lives.  We come to believe, because we are having this crisis, upset, or trauma it must be because of something within us that is inadequate or something we are doing wrong.  Shame, blame and guilt!

In my own journey, I began a path of observing my ego and all the lies my mind was telling me on a daily basis.  What a path of enlightenment this is.  Whenever I find myself getting upset about something I observe my thoughts.  What am I telling myself?  What is the lie?

One major lie is “I am having this unpleasant experience because there is something wrong with me.”  I can have a thought such as “I am not getting what I want” and then I will have an emotional reaction that might be sadness or frustration of never getting what I want.  Since I am developing a stronger awareness about my ego and have committed to practice observing it I have had some interesting experiences.  One experience is the ability to change my emotional reality almost immediately.  Okay not every single time, but quite a lot.  Sometimes emotions are like a runaway train and it is hard to catch them before they get out of control.

Although I teach “be real with what you feel” I am also realizing that our ego thrives on negative emotion and so our mind will so often create a story that feeds our negative emotion and therefore our pain.

I don’t normally like to refer to emotion as negative or positive but, to be fair, there are emotions that feel positive and good and there are emotions that feel negative or bad.  Most of us, by our very nature wish to avoid negative feeling emotions and chase after the good stuff.  The most common question I get in my counseling work is “how long will this pain last?”  Nobody wants to be in pain. We want the quick, easy way out.  Well when we are already in pain, the quickest, easiest way out, is to move right through it and gain the insights we find in the middle.

Most of us don’t move through it however, and this is the ego at work.  We come to the edge of our pain and then the stories begin and the pain is fed more and more food which keeps it alive and increasing in intensity.  For example; if you are coming out of a narcissistically abusive relationship and the core beliefs that are activated are telling you “there is something wrong with me, I don’t deserve love, and I’m not good enough,” the more you think these thoughts the worse you feel.  If, however you catch yourself thinking these thoughts and you tell yourself “oh this is my ego creating drama” you dis-identify with the thoughts; and when you dis-identify with the thoughts they lose power.  You might say to yourself “this is the lie of the ego.”

It is typical the ego will either be inflated (superiority) or deflated (inferiority.)  When we spend enough time with a narcissist, who is normally operating from an inflated ego, you are cast in the role of inferior and deflated in the eyes of the narcissist.  Out of our codependent need for outer validation, we will often identify with the narcissist and buy into the version of ourselves created by the narcissist, which is “you are inferior.”  This idea of yourself will latch onto every other time in your life where you felt inferior and suddenly you are overwhelmed with feelings of inferiority.  You are actually engaged in a war of egos.  The narcissist will always win this war because his/her ego is usually the strongest, and when engaged in an ego war, the strongest ego will win.  If your ego is not as strong as the narcissist you are not going to win the war.

This doesn’t have to be a bad thing if you understand the role of the ego and what it needs to thrive.

The most spiritually enlightened people on the planet have gone to battle with their own ego’s and have become strong observers of this aspect of human nature.  The weaker the ego, the stronger the spirituality.

Winning the prize of having the biggest ego is not what most people would aspire to.  It is not that one person is more superior or inferior than the other, it is that one person believes he is more superior or inferior.  The belief that one is greater, bigger, better, more powerful, richer, more beautiful or more successful is the ego at work.  So when we buy into our inferiority, which is “I am not as good as” we are causing ourselves pain.  We are allowing the “lie” we are telling ourselves or that others are telling us to influence how we feel about ourselves.

It is important to understand that most people are operating out of a dysfunctional belief system and a dysfunctional ego.  Actually a dysfunctional ego is created from a dysfunctional belief system based on how we identify with material, physical reality.

What I am discovering when confronting my own egoic inner voice is when I recognize the voice as coming from ego, I call it.  I say out loud “Oh this is my ego in action, wanting to stir up fear or drama.”  Ironically once I “call it” the energy dissipates.  It is as if the ego has been found out and goes into hiding, or better yet it loses power.

I also notice when I am over tired or stressed I am much more susceptible to being battered by the ego.

The ego may also not be personal.  There is something called “the collective ego” which is a shared egoic experience by a culture, society, religious group, social group or even family.  The collective ego is formed by shared beliefs such as a belief that one’s religious dogma is superior or “the right one.”

Our ego is very rooted in being right and in order to be right we have to make others wrong.  See a bit of narcissism here?  Well narcissistic personalities would not be formed without a dysfunctional ego.

The stronger our ego is, the more unhappy we are, really.  Because we continually need ego food to stay strong.  We need constant supply of reinforcements to our own feelings of superiority based on how we look, where we live, how much money we make, our title and positions in society, who we associate with, what kind of car we drive etc.

Our ego will scan our environment to look for evidence that we are either superior or inferior in any given situation.  We are constantly pulled into power struggles and control dramas to boost the ego’s sense of self.

The solution to disempowering the ego is a spiritual solution.  As Tolle says, we must observe the ego and recognize it when it is struggling for power.  We must recognize it as the part of us that believes “I am this” or “I am that.”  The truth of who you are has nothing to do with your ego’s interpretation.  You are a spirit having a human experience and the ego is what interprets your human experience by how you fit into the “norm” of your environment.  We figure out what is “normal” and compare ourselves to it, either falling short or standing above in some way. It is all a matter of our ego’s interpretation, or our perception.

When we can come to understand that “I am not my house, my car, my job, my physical appearance, or my bank account, we can begin to learn who we really are.  “I am a soul who has traveled here from somewhere else to have a human, physical experience.”  Your value is not in the physical, material stuff of this world, but in your very essence.  And at the core we are all pure in essence.  The essence is as innocent as a newborn baby.  It is pure and radiant.  The stuff we like and don’t like about other people have to do with the ego.  Because it is the ego that gives people their sense of identity.  All evil and cruelty is the ego’s distorted attempt to gain power and control.

If you don’t like yourself, or who you are, it is your ego interpreting your physical circumstances and judging you as “less than.”  You may not like yourself because you perceive yourself as being too fat, too old, not attractive enough, not financially independent, lonely, unwanted, or unloved.

To begin a love relationship with your SELF you need to learn to look deeper than the physical circumstances of your life.  “I am soul, and my soul is pure.”  When we can remove our identification with the things of this world and align with our very essence we begin to have a spiritual experience.  We begin to find peace within because we are listening to the voice of spirit rather than the voice of ego.

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Reconnecting with Soul

selflove5I recently participated in a powerful Full Moon, sound healing meditation with an amazing group of people and the result for me was incredible. I had not realized how much soul loss I had experienced in this past year through various relationship dynamics.  I had not realized the affect that soul loss had on me.

It began with chronic insomnia, the inability to fall asleep. I would lay awake night after night praying for sleep but it never came. Slowly my body began to deteriorate due to lack of regeneration. I reached my “bottom” or ultimate “low” which resulted in the ending of a relationship I was in. I found myself having to pull myself from the depths of the “low” point physical, mentally and spiritually and at the same time recover from losing the “love” in my life.

In the beginning it felt like a “hopeless” journey, but little by little I began to sleep again and reconnected with nature through daily walks down by the river. I could feel myself slowly coming back, emerging from the darkness and the desperation that resulted from feeling so disconnected from my own soul.

At the full moon gathering I connected with a beautiful woman who was clearly on the same energetic vibrational level I was. We fully connected and were amazed at how much we shared the same views and the same journey. We talked about the “destroyer” energy that takes us down to “nothingness” so that we may be reborn. I was not a stranger to this energy. How many times have I found myself challenged by “the destroyer.”

The “destroyer” is like the “Kali” energy. Kali is the Hindu Goddess of Destruction and Rebir1506781_728894297194498_5325223279088910895_nth. She is the destroyer of the illusion. If we find ourselves getting too rooted in “the illusion” when our souls purpose is to awaken, we may find ourselves fully immersed in the fires of transformation, being taken down to ashes so that we can rise again, like the Phoenix, into a new life.

The “NEW” life is always greater than the old but we must understand that the “greatness” of our new life has more to do with our connection to our soul than anything else.

In our illusionary world we have been taught that finding “love” or a romantic partner to share our life with is the ultimate happy ending. However this is completely untrue! Romantic partners never have the power to make us whole or bring us lasting happiness. Sure the “honeymoon” period is steeped with “feel good” chemicals that we become addicted to. But eventually those chemicals wear off and we are left with the deeper truth of what our relationships are based on.

selflove3Truly our relationships will mirror to us our deepest “disconnection” to our own soul. When we try to get our “soul needs” met through another, we are doomed to fail.

If you have a history of seeking for “wholeness” and “happiness” through a dysfunctional relationship, then you are likely disconnected from your soul. The pain of that disconnection drives you to feel “connected” with others; however you cannot truly connect with others on any deep level if you have not connected to your own soul.

The desire for a “soulmate” relationship is really the desire to feel connected to your own soul. Most of us still walk through life hoping to find “the one” who will bring to us what is lacking in our lives. This is NOT going to happen.

What our relationships do is mirror to us just how disconnected we really are. If we expect that relationship to give us the missing connection, we will be very disappointed and unhappy, once the honeymoon period has ended. We may get angry and lash out at our partner because we don’t feel our needs are being met. We may see it as a need for attention, for love, for affection, and ultimately for closeness. But once again we must be able to achieve that “closeness” with Self/Soul before we can ever expect to achieve that “closeness” with another.

man-woman-thumbs-upDuring the honeymoon period, due to the “feel good” chemicals that are released, we may believe we are connected to “the other” and we get “high” on that perceived connection. But it is not a true connection. If you get “high” on a drug, it “feels good” in the moment, but when you “come down” you may experience a “crash” or burn out and need more and more of the drug in order to achieve that “high.” Romance can work like this too. You may find yourself chasing after the drug of “love” and need more and more of that drug to keep you “high.”

Many people cannot be without a relationship for any period of time because they are addicted to “the high” of falling in love or being in love. But ultimately it ends the same way; in disappointment. It is easy to place the blame on the new partner and search for a perceived “better” partner to be everything for you that the old one wasn’t. But ultimately the result is the same. This is because it isn’t really about the partner at all. It is about your relationship to the SELF/Soul. If your inner relationship is suffering all your outer relationships will suffer too.

10378146_315960601939374_3868825891501148816_nI know in my case I had not realized how much I was disconnected until my relationship ended and I found myself on a serious healing path. I was having a conversation with a good friend and heard myself saying something quite profound. “My spirit just wouldn’t let me sleep through this.” Aha! My spirit did not want me going back to sleep and so it kept me awake until the life I was creating was completely destroyed.

At first I reeled in the pain of the destruction! But then I woke up completely! I saw the deeper truth! I saw that what I had perceived as destruction was really an opportunity to reconnect! Not with “the other” but with the Self/soul. Once I reconnected the pain left me. I had returned to my spiritual path in a big way. All distractions had been removed from my life, until I found what was most important.

When one suffers from chronic insomnia it is suggested you limit your time on the Internet and using any electronic devices, especially in the evening. So my usual routines of occupying myself on the Internet, or texting a friend, had to go. I had to instill peace and quiet in the evenings, free of distraction. I hadn’t realized just how much I was distracting myself until those distractions were removed. With the insomnia, I had no energy and so couldn’t distract myself with “doing” either. I had to return to the state of “being.” This was actually a major gift.

I hadn’t realized how “wide open” I was until I went to the full moon, sound healing meditation and felt this deep connection with so many people. It was like my heart was wide open. I was not this fragile, crippled, individual I had been feeling like only days ago. I was a woman who had found God and was profoundly connected to this spiritual “oneness” that allowed me to experience a deep connection with others.

DSCF5210I was invited to share my gift of song with others as we sat around a fire in a Tee-pee. I called upon spirit to “sing through me” and offered my voice for the greater good of all. The song that came through me connected me even deeper to those who listened.

Reconnecting to my soul helped me to find my “song” again and in listening to my “song” people could feel their own connection to soul in a deeper way.

I had not realized how I “lost my song.” That soulful, musically connected part of me had gone underground. I had no desire to sing. In fact I had no desire to do much of anything.

I cannot blame my relationships for my losing my SELF. It was my own doing. I still had a co-dependent aspect of me that wanted to please others and so I focused more on what others wanted than what was in my own highest good. I was giving my power away so subtly that I didn’t realize what I was doing, until it was already done. It seems most of us do this! We don’t realize we are losing ourselves until we are lost.

Like the prodigal son returning home to his Father, I returned home to Self/soul and it was a sweet reunion. The soul is always there, awaiting our return with open arms.

I have given up the search for a soulmate! I will no longer look for someone to be my constant companion and fulfill that part of me that only God can fill. I am embracing my “aloneness” and learning to love it. It took me nearly fifty-five years to realize “there is no other.”

selflove2Our relationship with our SELF/soul is the most important and the deepest relationship we will ever have. When we can get that piece and learn to treasure it, we will never feel empty, or lonely. We come to realize that we are “Soul” and “Soul” is not confined by the human form. “Soul” is an eternal energy that is experiencing itself through our physical form. “Soul is the lifeforce energy in all living things and it knows no separation.

Separation is created by our ego, our small self. We perceive ourselves as separate when we have a need to see ourselves as superior or inferior to others. It is our perceived separation that distances us from “the other.” Our small self feels it is either “not good enough” or “too good” for others.

As we bridge the distance between Self and Soul we discover that “Soul” is not good or bad, right or wrong, inferior or superior, dark or light. These judgments are ego perceptions.

Soul is never separate from the Oneness we call God. When we experience ourselves in that “oneness” we no longer experience the separation that causes us to judge others out of a need to see oneself as superior or inferior. That need to judge comes from a deep internal discontent that causes us to blame others for not being who we “need” them to be.

People are simply at different levels of awakening and awareness. The more “unaware” one is the more he or she will project onto  “the other” his/her own unhealed wounds and attack and blame others for failing to fill the unmet need.

Our deepest unmet need is our need to feel connected. When we learn that the only way we will ever feel connected is through our own inner relationship with Self/Soul, we can be fully liberated from our search to find “the one” who will finally set us free.

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Addicted to Chaos and Drama

If you find that you continue to get involved in relationships where there is constant drama and chaos, there may be an inner aspect of you that is addicted to the drama. Why do you continue to return to unhealthy and toxic relationships and environments? Why do you find it so difficult to break away?

In this episode of Pandora’s Box, Kaleah talks about why we are drawn to chaos and drama and what you can do to change the patterns that keep you going back time and time again.

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Healing Core Pain Class Launching!

Happy New Year!

breakingfreeThe first of the year is a great time to clear the slate and start fresh with a dedicated commitment to yourself and creating the life you really want to live.

If you have been suffering or living in a lot of pain, perhaps it is time to go deeper into it, understand it and find a way to release your pain and move towards greater and greater joy. Joy and pain are on opposite ends of the same spectrum, so the deeper you feel the pain, the deeper you will also experience your joy.

This month I am resurrecting my “Healing Core Pain” tele-class to assist you in moving through your pain which ultimately leads you out of pain. In this class you will have the opportunity to confront your pain on a deeper level and learn tools to help you to cope, tolerate and be with your pain so that you are no longer running from it or trying to escape it.

The more you are able to cope with or tolerate your pain, the less you will need addictions and dysfunctional relationships to distract you from it. When you can move through pain and to Joy you can re-create a life that is fulfilling and say “no” to relationships where you don’t feel loved, cared for or supported.

Ultimately your greatest relationship is with yourself and so you need to learn to be with yourself, regardless of what you are experiencing. You need to be able to confront pain and loneliness. The more powerful your relationship with yourself, the less you will need to project your unhealed wounds onto others or take on the projections of others. You will “know yourself” and know what belongs to you and what doesn’t.

Pain is a part of life and we can never truly avoid it. Stuff happens. But we can develop a much more powerful relationship with our pain and move through it much more quickly, each time there is a painful occurrence in our lives.

I invite you to join me for my four week tele-class “Healing Core Pain” and change your relationship to your pain. This class will be a combination of lecture, support, hypnotherapy and guided process.

Learn more and sign up for “Healing Core Pain” Here!

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Pandora’s Box has a New Home!


kaleahPandora’s Box Radio was launched in January of 2012 and celebrates it’s fourth year anniversary the first of January. Prior to the launch of Pandora’s Box my show was called “Dispelling the Myths” and all the shows for the past seven years are available in the archives at:http://www.blogtalkradio.com/dispelling-the-myths

As my personal life and my work took me deeper into the emotional realms, it felt Pandora’s Box was being opened and all the emotions I had been suppressing began to find their way to the surface of my awareness. The result was entering a “Dark Night of the Soul” back in 2011. I learned so much about emotional honesty and emotional intelligence during the journey of this dark night that it was a natural evolution to begin teaching what I had learned. Pandora’s Box Radio was birthed out of my desire to begin digging deeper into our emotional reality; what I feel to be the most authentic journey to finding our true self.

Dispelling the Myths was a show where I conducted a lot of interviews bringing other people’s work in front of my audience but I didn’t really talk a lot about my own ideas and the awareness I was gaining. So Pandora’s Box was my opportunity to begin talking about what I was teaching in my books, audio’s, classes and counseling sessions. The feedback I received from listeners was very positive as many people wrote and told me they much preferred it when I talked rather than interviewing others.

Pandora’s Box began as a live broadcast; however each show was recorded and available in the archives immediately after the broadcast. What I realized is that most of my listeners were listening to the recorded podcasts. The live shows were not drawing a large audience. I felt the quality of the audio wasn’t that great as I had to dial into the switchboard via phone for a live broadcast. I was also running into more and more technical issues and due to errors beyond my control I was having to re-broadcast several shows. This is why I made the decision to go from live broadcasting to podcasting. I am able to provide a higher quality audio and have a little more control over my time.

After much research I found Podbean.com, which I am very happy with. I created Pandoras-box-radio.com and begin a new journey into the world of podcasting. I invite you to check it out. Podbean, like blogtalkradio, allows you to download each episode, listen and download from I-tunes, or just listen Online. You can also “follow” Pandora’s Box and be notified of each new episode that is posted.

As I head into a new year and a new direction with Pandora’s Box I want to thank all of you who have been listeners for years and those who are new to listening. I value you! You are the reason I am still here. As always, thank you for listening and it is my hope we will go many more years together.

Blessings and Happy Holidays to you!


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