Fear of Being Judged

One of the most difficult struggles I have had in stepping out into the world with my voice and my gifts is that I have had to confront a lot of judgment.  In the world wide web, we have access to billions of people and every individual has their own belief system and their own opinions.  I respect that!  Each individual has the right to think and believe as they wish.  Who am I to judge?  But I often don’t receive that same respect.  Because when I put myself “out there” with who I am, what I have learned and what I believe, those who strongly disagree often feel it is their right to let me know this and let me know why.

I hate to argue with people and I normally will not engage in any kind of debate or argumentative behavior.  So, when someone finds fault with me, I agree to disagree and just allow them their ideas of who I am.  Ironically, we form our ideas about others based on our ideas of ourselves.  We judge others as a result of our own self-judgment.  But we also only allow the judgments of others to penetrate us when we have self-judgment.

I realized my fear of being judged is my own self-judgment and this is where the healing begins.  When I first decided to start writing articles and books, I was afraid to publish them, because I was afraid of how they would be perceived.  I was still not behind myself one hundred percent.  Even though I was strong in my beliefs and my research was strong, my fear of attack was also strong.  Why?  Because I had experienced so much attack and disapproval in my childhood.  I was different!  I didn’t fit into the norm.  In school I was so often the outcast, the one who didn’t belong.  And let’s face it; kids can be really cruel.  I also experienced some really cruel teachers who did a lot of emotional damage.

At some point in my journey through life, I realized I had something to say.  It became clear to me that not fitting in as a child was preparing me for my mission in life.  I was being trained how to be who I am, even when I was not liked or loved.  Although I feel I have done a really great job overcoming my history, my inner child still wants to recoil from the world sometimes.  I have fantasies of building a little cabin in a remote place in the mountains and just hiding away from the cruelty of the world.  But the still, small, voice within says “whoever told you your mission would be easy?”

Sometimes clients come to me with the same issues.  I will hear a client say “I feel like I want to write books or teach a class, but I fear rejection.”  Well, fear of rejection is right in alignment with fear of judgment.  When we are being judged, we are being rejected.  Fear of rejection is one of the most powerful fears that people have.  I see it in the majority of my clients.

Imagine what we could do if we didn’t have a fear of rejection?  Imagine the risks we would take?  Imagine what would be possible?

Our fear of rejection also comes from a form of self-rejection.  We so often judge ourselves based on how liked and accepted we are by others.  Look at social media with all the “likes.”  “Likes” are a form of approval and many people judge their “worthiness” based on how many “likes” they get on social media.  It’s good I don’t do this, because I am so inconsistent on Facebook that if I judged my value in the world by how many “likes” I received, I would not find myself very valuable.

One psychologist I was watching on youtube said that so many of her young clients; the teenagers and twenties group, put an enormous amount of weight on how many “likes” they receive on social media.  “Likes” were like life and death to so many of these youngsters.  Their whole self esteem is built on how they felt they were valued by the “friends” on Facebook or Instagram.  It is truly a sad thing.

Ultimately the world “out there” is a macrocosm for the microcosm, which is the world “in here.”  We all need to learn to build our sense of self-worth based on “liking” ourselves.  Liking ourselves is not narcissistic.  It is necessary!  Our ability to love and accept ourselves is core to our being a well-balanced, emotionally healthy individual.  We must find a way to unplug from the world “out there” and bring our attention and focus back to our inner world.  We need to find things about ourselves to approve of, to like and to celebrate, on a daily basis.

Even though I still struggle with a fear of judgment, especially before releasing a new book, CD, article or video or before performing or speaking in public, I face my fears and do it anyway.  Usually by the time I have found the courage within myself to “step out there” and speak my truth, I am amazed at how wonderful people really are.  Most of the time the audience who reads my works or listens to me speak or perform are very inspired and give very positive feedback.  Of course, there may be one or two who are negative in some way, but the positive approval far outweighs the negative.  The problem is  we tend to focus on the negative so much more than we do the positive.

I remember in my twenties, when I used to sing at a spiritual center on a regular basis, the minister was giving a talk on this very topic.  She was talking about how we tend to focus on what we perceive to be criticism or negative feedback and overlook the positive.  She used me as an example and said “Kaleah could give a smashing performance and receive a lot of positive feedback for the song she just sang and someone could come up to her and say “your legs were a little too far apart the way you were standing, and she might focus on that one thing for the rest of the day.”  Do you know what I did?  I said to myself “were my legs too far apart, the way I was standing?”  Why do you think I even remember that story?  It is actually quite hilarious.  Our mind tends to be drawn to anything that we feel perceives us in a negative light.

The biggest thing any of us may have to overcome in our lives is our self-judgment, our self-criticism and our self-rejection.  The antidote is self-love.  Self-love comes with self-understanding, and also a basic understanding of the human psyche.  When we can understand that others  judge us out of their own self-judgment or their own fears, it helps us to understand that the criticism from others usually has nothing to do with us.  We make it about us.  We take it on! But it is not ours!  It belongs to the one judging.

An important piece that I have discovered along the way, is the less I “take on” the judgments of others, the less judgments I received.  When I first started putting myself out there, I received a whole lot more nasty emails from people.  But when I started deleting the emails, stop defending myself and  stopped taking it personally, they seemed to stop coming.  It was a lesson I needed to learn.  Once I learned the lesson, I no longer needed the teacher.

Now and then I still get some very nasty emails from people asking me to take them off my mailing list.  These are usually people who say they didn’t sign up for my list and angry because they are receiving messages from me.  I have a double opt-in mailing list, so someone must sign up, get an email in their inbox and confirm their desire to receive email from me in order to be put on the list.  So, either they have signed up and don’t remember, or someone signed them up who has access to their email password and managed to confirm the message and delete it before they could find out.  There is a very simple unsubscribe button at the bottom of each mailing that would take two seconds to complete the process.  It would be much quicker to unsubscribe then to write me an email.  I end up being the punching bag for the unresolved and misplaced anger of the attacker.  I understand this now and since they usually reply to one of my emails, I just scroll down to the unsubscribe button at the bottom of their email and unsubscribe them without comment.  I don’t want these people on my list.

Engaging with an attacker is the last thing we ever want to do.  It is pointless.  The attacker is usually attacking from their own fear and misplaced anger and it really has nothing to do with you.  Most of the time they completely misinterpret my message anyway and have absolutely no idea what I am talking about.  This shows me they have a whole conversation going on in their own mind that has nothing to do with what I am writing about.  They are being triggered!  Something unresolved within them is coming to the surface and rather than finding the self-awareness to heal it, they attack the one triggering them.  A very common dynamic.

Understanding human nature helps us not to take others so personally.  We need to develop enough self-awareness to heal what is being triggered in ourselves and go deeper into self-acceptance, which is the opposite of self-judgment.

We may never completely eradicate our fear of judgment, but we can minimize it to the point where it doesn’t stop us from stepping out in the world with who we are, unashamed, courageous, and filled with a sense of mission and purpose.  This is the work I do every day and I can say “I am proud” that I have found the strength and courage in myself to truly embrace this mission.

 

 

 

 

How Our Stories Keep Us Stuck

One of the most common questions victims of narcissistic abuse ask me is “how do I stop thinking about it?”  There are a lot of reasons we get stuck in ruminating about the narcissist and what he or she has done.  Often the behavior you have witnessed is atrocious, even unforgivable as you might see it.  So we are not talking about the behavior here.  We are talking about YOU. What can you do to stop this ruminating cycle of obsession and hyper-focus on the abuser and the abuse?

We don’t often think about how our stories keep us stuck, but this is exactly what happens.  Everybody has a story.  The story might go like this.  “He was having an affair with another woman for the past three years we were together and every time I felt suspicious and ask him questions he told me I was crazy and got really upset with me.  I ended up feeling I was the problem and believed I was just needy and insecure.”

Okay, so this story is a painful one, no doubt.  You are likely feeling betrayed, used, deeply hurt and conned.  Your feelings are real.  I acknowledge them and you need to give yourself permission to feel the pain of this deep betrayal.  Feeling the feelings is an important part of your recovery.  But there is more.

When we experience a traumatic event, our tendency is to tell people about it.  We talk about what happened to us. It is both a way to process the trauma and get other’s opinions on how they see the event.  This is what we call validation.   You might tell yourself, “If you also believe that what he did to me was absolutely horrible, then it proves I’m not really going crazy.”

Often when with narcissists, they pull the “crazy” card, as a way of denying responsibility and controlling your reactions to their behavior.  It is also their way of controlling how other people see their behavior.  If a narcissist can get others to believe “you are crazy,” then they don’t look so bad.

The tendency is to want to defend yourself to all those “others” who have heard the “you are crazy” story.  But this doesn’t help.  People will always believe exactly what they want to.  People will believe what serves them the most.

What is important is not what others believe, but what YOU believe.  A minister once told me “It is done unto you as you believe, so don’t you believe it.”  We actually can choose what we believe.

Are you going to believe your “victim” story to the point where it continues to drive the dagger deeper into your heart every time you tell it to yourself or others?

The best way to shift the story is to learn to catch yourself while you are telling it, and also look for the lesson.  We can learn something very valuable from every life experience; even the most traumatic and painful.  So what did you learn from the experience?

The story I told earlier about the woman whose significant other had been cheating on her for the past three years and made her feel like she was crazy when she communicated her concerns with him, has an excellent lesson.  The woman did not trust herself.  She allowed the man she was with to make her feel she was crazy rather than align with her own intuitive knowing.  She felt in her heart that something wasn’t right.  She was suspicious of him and her suspicions proved to be true.  What she can learn is to trust her intuition.  She can learn that the part of her that knows something is not right is trying to communicate with her and she needs to listen and follow through, rather than go deeper into denial.

This woman’s responsibility in this situation is her own lack of trust in herself.  Her trust in herself was trumped by her significant other’s accusations of her.  Of course, once she found out the truth, she realized her partner had been lying to her and manipulating her and she feels very angry about this.  But at some point, she has to take responsibility for her part by acknowledging that she knew the truth but was unwilling to own it.  It was easier for her to stay in denial.

Her story can now change from “my partner was cheating on me for three years and everytime I said something to him about my suspicions, he made me feel like I was going crazy,” to “I knew something was going on but refused to trust myself.”  The first story makes her feel like a victim, but the second story gives her power.  Why?  Because she can do something about it.  She can’t do anything about who her partner turned out to be.  She is powerless to change him and his behavior.  But she does have power to change herself, to begin to build trust in herself and listen to her intuition.

Changing the story to one that empowers you, takes the “emotional charge” off the situation.  It can be difficult to admit the deeper truth to yourself, but the truth is what sets you free.  This is not about blaming yourself in any way.  There is a huge difference between self-blame and self -responsibility. With self-blame you are saying “it is my fault he had the affair because I wasn’t enough.”  Or you might say “it is my fault because I didn’t trust myself.”  When you are self-responsible, you are saying “what he did was terrible and I can’t change who he is, but I do have the power to change me, to listen to my “inner voice” and trust myself.”  We can’t go back and change the past, but we can surely change how we do things in the future.

One thing that needs to be understood is that each time we reinforce the version of the story that leaves us feeling powerless, we are ripping the scab off the wound and experiencing the pain over and over again.  There is a difference between fully experiencing one’s pain and releasing it and continuing to activate the pain body over and over again with the stories we tell ourselves.  When we do this, we are re-living the painful event over and over and re-traumatizing ourselves as a result.

Our stories are powerful!  So we need to be very selective about the stories we are telling ourselves.  Are they victim stories, or empowerment stories?  Choosing to upgrade your stories from victim to empowerment will make the difference between staying stuck in your pain and moving out of pain.

Forgiving the Unforgivable

We’ve all heard that to forgive is divine, but what about those situations that feel nearly impossible to forgive?  What about those people who have treated you in such a way that it feels unforgivable?

Many of my clients talk to me about forgiveness and the first thing I say is “don’t worry about forgiving right now, allow yourself the feelings that you have. Let yourself feel your rage, your anger, your sense of injustice and all those feelings that are flooding to the surface as a result of someone else’s actions or behavior.”

Getting to a state of forgiveness too early can be detrimental to your emotional health, because you are using forgiveness as a tool to suppress the underlying emotions that need to be felt and expressed in a healthy way.  If you don’t deal with your emotional pain, it will go underground and will cause a lot of problems from the subconscious state.

The most important step in forgiveness is to forgive yourself.  People can treat you badly, but the real pain comes in believing that perhaps you don’t deserve to be treated well, or that you are somehow flawed or unworthy.  You need to forgive yourself for any beliefs you hold about yourself that are less then loving.  You need to forgive yourself for any judgments or hostility that you are directing inward.

We get depressed when we “repress” our feelings.  Some people will tell you that depression is anger turned inward.  I find that when we turn any of our emotions in on ourselves we can enter a state of depression.  This is because we are not being honest with ourselves and we certainly aren’t being loving to ourselves.  When we can say “I am angry! I am sad!  I feel betrayed!  I feel hurt,” we are learning to be honest with our feelings and can find healthy ways to release them.  If we deny how we feel and we push our feelings down, they are still there, bubbling under the surface of our awareness.

Having love, compassion and care for yourself is the most important part of forgiveness, because you need to create a safe place (emotional safety) to feel and work through your painful emotions.  You have to learn how to extend love and compassion to the one who is hurting.  You need to tell this part of yourself that what he/she is feeling is okay.  You have to tell this precious “inner child” that it is not its fault that it was treated in this way.  You need to remind yourself that people, in their own unconsciousness, will project their unconscious wounds onto the most convenient target.

People who are deeply wounded or hurt inside, will hurt others, because this is how they unconsciously discharge the pain within themselves.  Disowned pain is projected outside of oneself onto the ones who trigger the pain.  Often, we are “triggers” for another person’s repressed pain simply through the act of being ourselves.  It doesn’t mean that who we are is wrong or bad.  You could be beautiful, or successful, or very loving and trigger someone’s fear that they somehow aren’t good enough, or beautiful enough, or successful enough.  They will take these fears and insecurities within themselves and project them onto you; blaming you for how they feel.  In truth, you have nothing to do with how they feel inside.  You are simply the mirror that reflects back to them their repressed feelings about themselves.

As we go deeper into forgiveness we develop an understanding of the psychology of the human mind.  We learn that people don’t treat us badly because of who we are.  People treat us badly because of who they are.  We need to learn not to take other people personally.  This is a hard lesson.  But in learning it we set ourselves free.

When we understand that people treat us badly because of their own repressed pain, we can develop compassion for them.  We can see that our trespassers are suffering in their own way.  When you consider how much pain you are feeling as a result of the trespass, you can gain understanding into the level of pain that person/persons must be feeling inside.  They may not be aware of their own pain, which is why they are always attacking and blaming others.  Nevertheless, they are sitting on a world of repressed pain.

I was told, when I decided to step out into the world with my voice and talk about my own experiences and my own pain, that I would be a target for others.  The more visible we are; the more we step into our true authentic selves; the more we shine our light in the world, the bigger target we become for those who are still denying their inner reality.

I have been accused of being in denial by one who was in denial.  I was accused of being heartless, by one who was heartless.  I was accused of being ignorant, by one who was ignorant.  I have been accused of being selfish, by one who was selfish. I have been accused of being narcissistic by one who was narcissistic. This is how projection works.  I could not be out in the world in the way I am if I didn’t understand projection.

When I first started writing and sharing, I experienced a lot of email attacks by readers who picked out one word or sentence from what I was writing and created their own story about what I was saying that had nothing to do with what I was actually saying.  Something I said triggered them, causing them to feel their own repressed pain and anger, and they projected their repressed feelings onto me, attacking me.  They blamed me for how they were feeling.  At first this was difficult for me.  I had to learn the hard way.  But as I stopped taking these people personally, stopped trying to defend myself and even stopped reading the emails all together, something interesting happened.  The emails stopped coming.  I stopped noticing them.   They no longer had power over me.  If I did get an attacking email every now and then I would say “wow, poor soul, he is really triggered by that article.”  I would delete the email and move on.

When you truly begin shining your light in the world, your light will illuminate the darkness in others.  Don’t allow this to dim you down.  Keep shining!  Forgive yourself for blaming yourself when others wrong you.  Forgive yourself for believing that how others treat you has anything to do with who you are.  Forgive yourself for all the times you failed to have compassion for the innocence inside of you.  Love yourself in your pain, your fear, and your own insecurity.  Find the courage to feel your feelings on a deep level so they may be released from your emotional pain body.  In taking these steps, you will find that forgiveness of others is a process that becomes automatic.  The more you work through your own feelings, the less others have an effect on you.

Forgiveness begins at home, inside of you!  Forgive yourself and all others are forgiven.  This frees you up to live from a state of love and compassion, which is truly the only place to live.

Past Life Regression

Quantum Healing Hypnosis

When I became a hypnotherapist back in 1988, many people asked me if I did past life regression and I always answered “no, I believe it is this life that is important and this is why we don’t remember our past lives, if we actually have them.

I did believe there was more to this life then meets the eye, and I did believe in an after life, but I really didn’t want to go there with my clients.  It felt too risky at the time.

However when I discovered Dolores Cannon and her amazing work with past life regression, that all changed for me.  I read several of her books, watched youtube video’s and was hooked.  This type of work had amazing power to heal, and I wanted to learn how to do this.

I enrolled in the Quantum Healing Hypnosis Training program and learned directly from Dolores herself.  Dolores crossed over back in 2014, but her work lives on and her courses are taught by her Daughter, who worked along side her for years.  Dolores still teaches her classes via video.  Even though she is no longer with us in the physical, she is continuing to teach and share this amazing work.

So what was it about Dolores’s work with past life regression that caught my attention?  I realized that our past lives really can have a profound effect on our current life.  It can cause us to create illness’s, fears, phobias, and disorders in this life.  It shed’s light on why we choose certain friends and romantic partners and the karmic agreements we have with the people in our lives.  We come to better understand our purpose and our journey.  We come to realize that there really is so much more to this life than meets the eye.

One part I really love about the Quantum Healing Hypnosis work is the contact with the subconscious / higher self.  Our higher self knows all, and when we contact our higher self with our list of questions, we get real answers.  It is not like a psychic reading where it may or may not be true.  The answers we get from our higher self are real and accurate.  In this work I have seen the higher self heal the body of everything from aches and pains to cancer and heart disease.

Our higher self does have the power to heal.  It has the power to heal us mentally, emotionally and physically.   We first need to understand the lesson and why we have created our circumstances in the first place.  Once we “get the lesson,” we no longer need the illness or dis-ease to get our attention.

Past life regression therapy is NOT done over the phone.  Quantum Healing Hypnosis Certification requires all sessions are done one-on-one and in person.  We never want to risk taking somebody into such a deep state; into another lifetime, and have the skype or phone connection interrupted.  Although most of my other hypnotherapy session’s can be done easily over the phone, the past life regression therapy must be done in my Cottonwood, Arizona office.  This is a great opportunity to come to Sedona (only twenty minutes away) and have a real healing retreat.

The past life regression therapy consists of three segments.  The interview, where I get to know you and learn about your life.  This is where I find out your intention for the session.  This segment can last an hour or more.

The second segment is the hypnosis session itself.  The session takes place lying down on a comfortable bed or cot, which has been proven more effective for this type of work than a recliner, massage table or sofa.

During this segment you are guided into a very deep state of relaxation and your  higher self takes you to the most significant lifetimes.  You may be taken to an earlier part of your current lifetime as well, if this is significant to what your goals or intentions are.  After we have explored a past life or two or three, I will contact your subconscious mind in effort to get your questions answered. You will come to your session with a list of questions for your subconscious mind.  You can ask about health issues, purpose, mission, relationships and anything else you would like to know.

The hypnotherapy segment will normally last no more than two hours.

The final segment is after awakening from your hypnotherapy session.  This is where we have the opportunity to talk about the session, what you remembered, what you discovered and anything you wish to talk about. This time is also an important grounding time, to get fully back in your body.  It can last an hour or more.  You will not leave the session until you are fully back in your body, grounded and able to drive.

The whole process can take three to four hours or more.  The fee is based on an entire session and not by the hour, so you will know upfront what you will be paying.

If you are interested in coming to the Sedona, Arizona area and booking a past life regression therapy session with me, please contact me.

A Video with Dolores Cannon

More information on Quantum Healing Hypnosis

A Past Life Regression with Quantum Healing Hypnosis Graduate Alba Weinman. (Alba has many amazing session’s available on Youtube.)