Relationships are the Icing on Your Cake
I’ve always believed that our primary relationship needs to be the icing on the cake, and not the cake. Women especially have been conditioned to put so much importance and emphasis on having that primary relationship that they put more effort and energy in looking for a relationship then they do on looking for themselves.
Men can also look to their relationships to fill their needs never learning how to truly take care of themselves and develop a rich, fulfilling life without a partner.
We all want love in our lives and having a primary person in your life can be so rewarding and rich, but when we look to our relationships to fill the needs, we should be learning to fill ourselves, we are sabotaging our own personal growth and the relationship is likely to become stagnant.
Although roles are changing and have changed so much in the past fifty years, there are still women looking for a man to take care of them financially. I had a client who had the goal of being a stay at home mom, even though she didn’t have a partner or a child yet. So she was looking for a man to support her to stay home and take care of her child. Therefore her focus was on finding a man who would take care of her, rather than learning how to take care of herself.
Although I think it is great that children have the opportunity to have a parent at home, I always recommend that women become self-sufficient and capable of taking care of themselves, even if it means finding a remote work opportunity that can be done from home.
When I was just an infant my father was tragically killed, leaving my Mom, who was a stay at home Mom, with two babies and no income. I’ve had many clients in abusive marriages who couldn’t leave because they had no financial ability to leave. They felt trapped. I’ve had women whose significant other left her and the children for another relationship and was reluctant to pay any child support, leaving the woman in a very desperate situation. Often these women, who have been in an abusive marriage or relationship, have been isolated from friends and family and no longer have anyone to turn to for help and support.
This is why I feel that women need to be self-sufficient. They need to develop a skill, have their own bank account, and if they are staying home with the children, have some kind of work from home opportunity that allows them to build a savings account and an income that could potentially support them if it becomes necessary.
Now, all men are not going to abandon their children and leave their partners with the sole burden of supporting the children. Many men, who are divorcing, take responsibility and do the right thing. But since I’ve spent so much time working with women coming out of abusive relationships, I’ve seen my share of women left in very desperate situations.
We all need to focus on building a life we love and find meaningful work where we can support ourselves, even if we have a partner. We need to pursue our own passions, interests, goals and friendships apart from our primary relationship. Not only does this make us self-sufficient, but it makes us much more attractive.
The most important part of making yourself the cake, is that you have a satisfying, rich and fulfilling life without a partner, which means you are much more likely to have a satisfying, rich and fulfilling life with a partner. Also you are more likely to choose a partner that adds to your life, in the way icing would add to a cake. We want to find relationships that enhance our lives bring more to it, rather than someone who brings us down, and/or detracts from our life in some way.
It is amazing how many people I’ve worked with had the belief that a struggling, painful relationship is simply what a relationship is supposed to be. We tolerate the pain and agony in order to have those few moments of bliss and comfort. If you are someone who has never had a truly healthy, happy relationship it would be easy to believe that relationships are just difficult.
But if you have put the effort into building a life you love, and you simply bring a good and healthy partner into this already rich and fulfilling life, you are more likely to add to an already great life. Although relationships do take work, in terms of having good communication, vulnerability, emotional availability, financial stability, and connection, if the majority of the relationship feels like hard work, we may not want to stay. It would be like being in a job you hate rather than one you love and that doesn’t really feel like work.
So if you are looking for a relationship partner ask yourself this question. Have I already created a life I love and just want someone to share it with? Or…am I looking for someone to make my life worth living? If you already created the life you love, you are likely ready for a great relationship. But if you are looking for someone to complete you, make you whole and give your life meaning, you are likely going to attract a partner that is looking to you to do the same for him/her, or someone who will abuse you as a result of your own low self-worth.
If you truly want a great relationship, be the cake. Find meaning and purpose in your own life. Be independent and self-sufficient and then look for a partner who will compliment your already amazing life.